i + i = uncomfortable

I am uncomfortable. Uncomfortable with myself. Plain and simple it’s me. I am the problem. It seemed as though life was moving along at a pace that was within my comfort zone and then boom!! Out of nowhere comes disappointment, and unmet expectations. So what do I do with it? I run off and get a hair style & one that is way over the top dramatic. Ok ok everyone likes it but me!! I don’t like it. I am uncomfortable but wait is it really the haircut?? I think not. Lets face it everyday that passes since I lost the baby I have been questioning the purpose of life. Contemplating my life. Thinking of all the could haves and should haves. I feel stuck. It doesn’t help that with our modern technology that we are able to look at other people’s lives and see what they have and where they have been and then compare our lives to theirs and think I wish I had that! So that is why I have deleted Facebook, and TMZ and other apps that make me look at and compare others with myself. Then in addition to the bad haircut since I ended, well actually even while I was in my cycle of IVF, I began breaking out. Adult flippin acne. Really??? Like I haven’t been shoveled enough crap lately now I have a big zit face. I know I’m going on and on complaining but these feelings of inadequacy are making me think I shouldn’t add any children to my life. That would be selfish. Bring a life into the world that isn’t choosing to be here. My negativity is escalated to an all time high and that poor child would be subjected to that unwillingly. Then there is the new puppy. Me and my bright ideas. What a horrible idea that was. It doesn’t matter how long I have been on the straight and narrow my decisions are still absolute crap. That dog is out of control. She pissed on our bed tonight. When will it end. My husband is leaving for a business trip tomorrow morning and the last night we had together consisted if him having a guys night, me going to a meeting, us arguing about the dog, and him curling up in bed to go to sleep, while I clean the dirty comforter. Lovely. I’m not sure how safe I am being alone for three days. I keep praying for help but all I seem to be getting is anything but that. We will see. Bigger miracles have happened. This too shall pass. I hope the universe knows what it’s doing because I’m uncomfortable and walking a thin line.

~Jessica (defective)