i + i = faith

It has been a while since I have put my fingers to the keys.  I have had life coming at my left and right.  It’s life on life’s terms, not on Jessica’s terms.  Since I last wrote I lost a friend, he passed away at home.  He wasn’t just a friend he was my hairstylist.  I know in my last post I put that I hated my hair but the truth was that I actually began to love it.  He was a talented and gifted person, and he lost his life too soon.  Nobody really knows the reason, but my assumption is that it was related to the disease of addiction in some way.  And the most tragic but not tragic was the death of my grandmother on January 5th, Valentina Antoinette (Pannoni) McGrail.  The most loving, caring, kind, compassionate person that I have ever known.  She lived a long life, she was 96.

So just in case you missed it, I lost the baby in October, lost a friend in December and lost my Grandmother in January.  On top of it Phil is doing his interferon and while  I love him, it is a difficult process to go through, as it is having an effect on his mood.  Lots of stress in the Dunn home, trying to adjust to the ups and downs, both of us.  In addition to all of this our puppy, while cute and cuddly, continues to pee in the house.

My new thing is asking myself, what would Valentina do?  The reason for this is because my faith had been waning and with the passing of my grandmother all of the signs that a higher power is working in my life were present.  She is with me and I know this now.  That whole come to believe thing well it has finally happened for me.I believe, I really do believe.

During the last conversation I had with my grandmother, where she was actually able to talk, because the day she died I did the talking and she the listening, she asked me when Phil & I would be trying for a baby again.  I let her know in March or April we would try again.  And that is exactly what we are going to do.  Although I have fears of not being a good enough mother, or afraid that it won’t work and I will be led down the disappointment road again, I ask myself what would Valentina do? And what I come up with is she wouldn’t give up.  She never gave up.  Even in her darkest hour she never shed a tear, she never complained and she always asked how everyone else was.  She was so selfless.  That is the type of person I want to be.

Today I am heading back to Weight Watchers to find out my fate.  I am sure that I will be a paying customer again.  A friend of mine says that we “eat our feelings”.  Well I am not willing to keep eating, so I have to get on that scale and face my reality because that is what Valentina would do!

~ Jessica (restart)

i + i = tempermental

My emotional state has not been well.  I am temperamental and feel it to my core.  It is not just in my actions but in my being, in every fiber of my soul.  Understandably why wouldn’t I be?   I lost a child.  I have been through a lot this past week and a half.  I am emotionally eating, and I know it but continue to shove the junk into my mouth.  It seems as though I am losing all sense of caring.  The first step is knowing and then the second is doing something about it.  I am in the process of taking steps to change it.  Change is action!  So I am off to Weight Watchers tonight to get back on the program before I feel anymore shame and guilt in an area of my life that I am tired of fixing.

I have been super busy on top of everything.  Never a moment for me.  Just go, go, go.  I will be busy from the time I leave work until I finally get to sit down at 9:30 tonight!  Sometimes I really hate life.  That feeling is always temporary.  It will pass.

 

i + i = love

Last night I meet with my ladies!  I love those women.  The honesty that we can share with each other is tremendous.  It is reassuring to know that there is always a place that I fit in, a place that I belong, a place where I am not judged, and a place that I am unconditionally loved for being me.  Listening to other people’s stories really can pull you through the most difficult moments because their experience is also my experience.

I love that there are other people going through the process of IVF.  I have been starting to follow other bloggers that are going through this process. They give me hope and love and I do the same in return.  For instance this fellow blogger has been kind enough to reach out to me and read my blog infertilitydoessuck.wordpress.com.  Sharing our stories with others is therapeutic and for that I am grateful.   Without the women who have been through this before me I would be lost.  Social media is an amazing thing!

I feel good today.  I was spotting a little and was concerned, but dug around the world wide web and that this is common.  I called my nurse and she reassured me.  She will speak to my doctor.  I will be there tomorrow so she is not too concerned.

Pretty uneventful day so far!

~Jessica (calm)

 

i + i = chemicals

My uncle came out to look at our basement. Phil & I made the really bad choice of not having an inspection when we purchased the house. We have a mold problem in our basement and in our attic. I have been bothering Phil about this problem for over a year. See we had water problems that caused major flooding over numerous occasions. We fell in love with this house, and we just didn’t think logically about what we were getting into. A wonderful redeeming quality of being an addict, we want what we want when we want it. So here we are in our home which we love, and feel is where we are supposed to be but now we have to tackle this problem before I become pregnant and before we bring a new born into this house. We need to bleach everything in both the attic and the basement, and we need to cut out sections of the sheet rock to test and see if there is mold behind the walls. Uggghhhh!! I can’t be around either of those things. I don’t want to risk anything with this IVF or pregnancy(when that occurs, hoping it works this time, fingers crossed!!) This means it is all on Phil. Poor thing. He is getting the short end of the stick on this one. I would say this is for the future 9 months I have but that isn’t a fair statement either since he will be embarking on a journey with Interferon to treat his Hep C once we a positive pregnancy test and a green light from the doctor. See once he sprays all of that bleach we will have to leave the house for a few days to let it air out. Not even sure where we will go, especially because we have the dog, probably my parents for the weekend. To be determine!

So all this chemical talk got me to thinking. What cleaning supplies and what chemicals should I be avoiding other then artificial sweetener? I will I live without my diet root beer, or bazillion teaspoons of sweetener in my coffee. Coffee, well I guess that will be easy since I have only been drinking one cup a day, down from 4 to 6 cups. Damn that caffeine! I order a decaf tea this morning and it was actually really yummy. Although, you have to be aware that caffeine free is not 100% caffeine free and you have to be careful what kind of tea you drink because some of them are herbal. I found this great information on What To Expect When Expecting website Cleaning During Pregnancy: Some Dos and Don’ts. Phil thinks I am getting carried away but I feel like this child’s (potential child) life is in my belly! This takes the saying “you are what you eat” to a whole other level. I mean processed foods are bad too! Really if you think about is anything made in a lab or factory is probably not good for you. God I hope I don’t turn into a crazy lady, I am aren’t I?

~ Jessica (obsessing)

i + i = ouch

I’m happy Phil will be joining in on the blogging. It is nice to see his perspective. Again another reminder that its not all about me. Tonight I waited and waited knowing that day 2 of the Follistim was going to happen. Tried to keep busy on the computer searching aimlessly for nothing & watching tv, honestly can’t remember what we were watching… Hummmm, o yea!! Close Encounters of the Third Kind . What a great movie! I’m
anxious and nervous again!! I know it won’t hurt. Tonight I couldn’t wait any longer so we did it at 9:45. As long as you do it with in an hour window it ok. Tonight went a little differently. I tensed up at the last second so it pinched, ouch and it made Phil flinch so it burned a little and I bled. Again we aimed for the stomach. Poor Phil I know he can’t stand hurting me. I could see it in his eyes. I reassured him I was ok but I’m pretty sure he want mentally ok with it. Tomorrows a new day I think we should try the leg. So we are all cuddled up in bed. Phil sound a sleep with his arm wrapped around the dog. The dog snoring & passing the worst gas ever all night! Must have been the garbage he got into yesterday because I forgot to lock it in the bathroom like I normally do. Doggie proofing just preparing me for baby proofing I guess. Poor shadow I hope we find him a companion soon he is so lonely with us being gone do much and when this baby comes he is gonna need a friend. Yes dog shopping is also on our list of things to make our lives completely unmanageable & insane. We just can’t do anything the easy way. Guess I should join these sleepy heads. Early morning.

~ Jessica (sleepy)

i + i = the first injection

Last night I had held a needle for the first time in over 7 years. We had to watch video’s on how to prepare the syringe pen. Preparing the syringe brought back alot of memories of my steroid use. I always thought that my past was a continuation of bad choices and now know that it was a learning experience for this moment in time. I had the pen preped  and ready. The look of fear on Jessica’s face was heart breaking. She was so scared and I tried to reassure her that everything was going to be ok. She had little faith or trust in me at that moment in time. After some time had passed, she finally got up the nerve to let me give her the shot. I was nervous because I didn’t want to hurt her. Once it was done she and I both felt better. She realized that she had nothing to be afraid of. Our first night of injections was over. She is a strong women and I love her so.

~Phil

i + i = self care

Lunch break on Friday. It’s usually when I get a pedicure. It helps me relax and like Billy Joel sings in the Piano Man “forget about life a while”. It’s my hour therapy. If only I had a chair and a nail technician at my disposal I feel like every day would be a relaxing day.
This self care thing is important and I am sure that it will be even more important during this process. I used to do yoga and meditate. I really need to get back to doing this. I can’t be all worked up over everything going on around me. Although sometimes its hard to shut down when people are relapsing or you see friends struggling through a life threatening illness, or a major life event that is causing them pain. Just so you get an idea I’m a cancer and I feel everything other people feel, everything. I’m cursed with this thing I call over productive tear ducts. It’s like the faucet turns on and nothing can stop it. When I was active in my addiction those tears went away. I remember when they came back I despised it. Anyway back to self care. I’ve got to find a way to reduce my anxiety and stay centered. Self care is the solution. The last thing I want is a producing a child that lives in a fluid filled bag of stress. I have to think about something other than myself. This is for the greater good of another human being. I was thinking about it this morning, having a child has got to be the #1 most selfless thing you do because it isn’t about your wants anymore its about providing for the needs of an innocent fragile beautiful helpless baby. It has got to change you through to the depths of your soul. See here come those tears I told you about. Just the thought of a child brings me to tears.
~ Jessica (changing)

i + i = Early riser

I decided that I needed to get up this morning, early riser. Our dog has been depressed lately.  We haven’t been home all that much so I promised myself that I would get up and spend sometime with him.  I got my usual coffee in bed, although I am trying to cut back, if not eliminate the drug from my daily routine.  I only had one cup yesterday, compared to my 4 to 6 cups.  Yikes!  That is way to much, and on top of that I add splenda, another extremely toxic man made item.

We took a little bit shorter walk than usual.  I hadn’t exercise in a week and now I am starting this treatment and want to make sure that I can do everything in my power to make it a possibility of working.  I have to continue to exercise but not exceed the normal healthy version of it.  I can always take things to the extreme but I worry about gaining weight as I just lost 37 pounds on Weight Watchers.  Dieting is part of my life story as I have flip flopped on weight my entire life.  It is part of my disease and I am trying to make new and healthier choices so I don’t place my insecurities on to my child.  So back to the walk.  I realized how very much the morning is my favorite time of day.  I think I mentioned this before.  Everything is just coming back to life and this morning I saw a fawn standing in someones yard.  We live near woods but not in the woods and it is very peaceful.  We get dear, bears, fox and I even once saw a mountain lion.

The medication from last night made my body ache and I definitely got a pain in my stomach, let’s call it “gas”.  It is a side effect so I don’t envy the people who live with me.  I am sure that this will be the least of the side effects.  But I am staying in the day with it because as my last night post showed my mind is a dangerous place, making mountains out of mole hills in a second!  My husband is pretty amazing, he said he was proud of me.  We lingered with our good byes this morning longer than normal, embracing and loving each other reassuring each other that we will be ok.

Off to make my breakfast, my favorite meal of the day.

~Jessica (content)