It’s funny how one moment can turn your world upside down. It can make you start spinning out of control, throwing you backwards into time. That’s what happened when I lost this pregnancy. Life became a question, a series of many questions. See I placed my faith in getting pregnant, but not just getting pregnant but actually having a child. Then the carpet was ripped out from under me.
Many, many moons ago I had hoped for a child with my first husband, except we weren’t married yet, we were only dating…for 7 years before we even got married. Who wouldn’t have wanted a child then. Anyway my point is this, I have been stuck in the past, reliving the past over and over again. Thinking about my wrongs, the things that have led to problems in my adult life (child bearing due to bad decisions as a teenager), harm I have caused others, my ex-husband, my abandoned cat, and on and on and on.
My cat was put to sleep this week. The thing is that this cat was my first pet, this adorable white kitty with a grey patch of fur on his forehead, and a freckle on his nose. who stole my heart 15 years or so ago. There he was walking around my boyfriend(ex-husband) at the times Halloween party, with his sister that I found a home for also. 
that is what I named him, perfect for the holiday. He cuddled, kept me company, took walks around the neighborhood. The best, most chill cat. Even ran the posy of cats in our neighborhood. They all used to lay in our lawn, what a sight that was looking out the window and seeing like 5 cats basking in the sun. When I left my ex-husband I didn’t take Boo with me. I left him behind in Vermont(where I lived for like 5 months while my ex-husband and I started a business, a record store “In the Moment” – it is still there and he still owns it). When I left I had not idea where I was going, and I couldn’t bring him with me and I knew that he would be taken care of. Tore my heart apart, we had been together for 8 years. Then it stirs up the experience with my ex-husband whom I also spent 8 years with and all the shit that went on during our relationship, which by the way was not a bad one. It was actually a good relationship minus the fact that I wasn’t in love with him because I didn’t even love myself.
Which leads me to the fact that I am currently making a list of all persons that I have harmed and how. Yea, fun! I have been replaying my entire life, and I mean entire. The damage that I have caused, things I have tried long and hard to shove down deep into my psyche. Now piece by piece I am looking at each person both directly and indirectly that I hurt in one way or another. This could take ages.
This whole losing my child was the beginning of my self destruction as well. I haven’t exercised, I have been wanting nothing more than to eat a bunch of junk and now of course I am feeling sorry for myself. I keep putting it off, and it isn’t going away it is only getting worse and my clothes are tight. It is the same old pattern of my life. It is self hatred at its finest.
I have even been questioning if I would even be a good mother. That maybe I just shouldn’t be a mom. I still hate myself, how in the world could I care for another human being? I am not selfless, I am self centered. I don’t even want to pick up the phone when it rings. I haven’t been sincere to anyone who comes in my path. Again, same behavior, same old defect. I’ve even started to notice that I don’t make friends with people really, that I act like I am and then I disappear because I don’t want people to get close to me. I don’t want to invest time in them because I am fearful of them leaving. I am not a genuine friend. Terrible!
I don’t know. I recently heard someone asking that age old question, what is the purpose of life? Hell, I have no idea. I don’t even know what I want to be when I grow up and I am 37 years old. Which again I have been thinking a lot about because I am looking at my past!! Why didn’t I go to graduate school, why didn’t I save money, why did I fu@@ up my entire life, blah blah blah. I don’t even have a hobby. I thought my purpose would be to some day be a stay at home mother and we can’t even afford for me to do that because I take more money home than my husband (not his fault by the way, he has 2 beautiful teenage boys from a previous marriage and provides half his paycheck to his ex-wife).
I feel like I am in a bad dream and I am moving backwards. Watching my life in rewind. I keep praying, the only word that comes out of my mouth is help. I don’t know what I need, I have no idea what I even want. And would it matter anyway? I never get what I want, only what I need. Dammit I want and I am sick of not getting.
~ Jessica (pause)
A journey through IVF 