i + i = backwards

It’s funny how one moment can turn your world upside down.  It can make you start spinning out of control, throwing you backwards into time.  That’s what happened when I lost this pregnancy.  Life became a question, a series of many questions.  See I placed my faith in getting pregnant, but not just getting pregnant but actually having a child.  Then the carpet was ripped out from under me.

Many, many moons ago I had hoped for a child with my first husband, except we weren’t married yet, we were only dating…for 7 years before we even got married.  Who wouldn’t have wanted a child then.  Anyway my point is this, I have been stuck in the past, reliving the past over and over again.  Thinking about my wrongs, the things that have led to problems in my adult life (child bearing due to bad decisions as a teenager), harm I have caused others, my ex-husband, my abandoned cat, and on and on and on.

My cat was put to sleep this week.  The thing is that this cat was my first pet, this adorable white kitty with a grey patch of fur on his forehead, and a freckle on his nose. who stole my heart 15 years or so ago.  There he was walking around my boyfriend(ex-husband) at the times Halloween party, with his sister that I found a home for also.  that is what I named him, perfect for the holiday.  He cuddled, kept me company, took walks around the neighborhood.  The best, most chill cat.  Even ran the posy of cats in our neighborhood.  They all used to lay in our lawn, what a sight that was looking out the window and seeing like 5 cats basking in the sun. When I left my ex-husband I didn’t take Boo with me. I left him behind in Vermont(where I lived for like 5 months while my ex-husband and I started a business, a record store “In the Moment” – it is still there and he still owns it).  When I left I had not idea where I was going, and I couldn’t bring him with me and I knew that he would be taken care of.  Tore my heart apart, we had been together for 8 years.  Then it stirs up the experience with my ex-husband whom I also spent 8 years with and all the shit that went on during our relationship, which by the way was not a bad one.  It was actually a good relationship minus the fact that I wasn’t in love with him because I didn’t even love myself.

Which leads me to the fact that I am currently making a list of all persons that I have harmed and how.  Yea, fun!  I have been replaying my entire life, and I mean entire.  The damage that I have caused, things I have tried long and hard to shove down deep into my psyche.  Now piece by piece I am looking at each person both directly and indirectly that I hurt in one way or another.  This could take ages.

This whole losing my child was the beginning of my self destruction as well.  I haven’t exercised, I have been wanting nothing more than to eat a bunch of junk and now of course I am feeling sorry for myself.  I keep putting it off, and it isn’t going away it is only getting worse and my clothes are tight.  It is the same old pattern of my life.  It is self hatred at its finest.

I have even been questioning if I would even be a good mother.  That maybe I just shouldn’t be a mom.  I still hate myself, how in the world could I care for another human being?  I am not selfless, I am self centered.  I don’t even want to pick up the phone when it rings.  I haven’t been sincere to anyone who comes in my path.  Again, same behavior, same old defect. I’ve even started to notice that I don’t make friends with people really, that I act like I am and then I disappear because I don’t want people to get close to me.  I don’t want to invest time in them because I am fearful of them leaving.  I am not a genuine friend.  Terrible!

I don’t know.  I recently heard someone asking that age old question, what is the purpose of life?  Hell, I have no idea.  I don’t even know what I want to be when I grow up and I am 37 years old.  Which again I have been thinking a lot about because I am looking at my past!! Why didn’t I go to graduate school, why didn’t I save money, why did I fu@@ up my entire life, blah blah blah.  I don’t even have a hobby.  I thought my purpose would be to some day be a stay at home mother and we can’t even afford for me to do that because I take more money home than my husband (not his fault by the way, he has 2 beautiful teenage boys from a previous marriage and provides half his paycheck to his ex-wife).

I feel like I am in a bad dream and I am moving backwards.  Watching my life in rewind.  I keep praying, the only word that comes out of my mouth is help.  I don’t know what I need, I have no idea what I even want.  And would it matter anyway?  I never get what I want, only what I need.  Dammit I want and I am sick of not getting.

~ Jessica (pause)

i + i = Agony

Agony is the only word that comes to mind the past two days. Think about the worst period cramps you have ever had then add 10. That’s what I have been feeling. Takes my breath away. Let’s rewind for a moment. On Tuesday I had my mother flushed my pain medication. It was beginning to mess with my mind. I started thinking I needed it and obsessing over it. With my history and some discussion with my network it was decided that I should get rid of it. I’ve come way to far to go back. So back to today. I really really could have used that medication. I spoke with my nurse Debbie at around 11:00 am to discuss this big clump of what I can only guess was my uterine lining that fell out while I was in the shower. She confirmed that is what it probably was. This occurred 2 other times throughout the day. As I laid I the couch debilitated I picked up the phone again at 3:00 pm. I again spoke with Debbie explaining the pain that I was in for the past day and a half. She said “you never mentioned that to me before”. She placed me on hold and came back. I need to arrive at 9:00am for a check up with my doctor. First I need to get blood work in the first floor not second like usual. Hummm? So just for safety I will not eat or drink anything. I pray that nothing is wrong but just in case I don’t want to wait 8 hours to have anesthesia like I did last week. So when 9:00am hits pleas say a prayer for me. Tomorrow is the day that Phil starts his interferon and I am supposed to be going home to take care of him this weekend. I need my health.

Jessica (cramping)

i + i = agony

Agony that is the word that I will use to describe the after effects of the Progesterone in Oil shots.  My ass is really super sore.  The first night I acted like a complete baby but I am a pro now that I am going onto day 4.  Only day 4!  From what I am reading it is my understanding that these shots will go on and on and on.  Its more like torture.  The shot it self doesn’t really hurt, i numb it with ice first.  Then I take a hot compress and keep the area warm for about ten minutes.  If my ass feels like this now I can’t imagine what is will feel like 10 days from now, or weeks from now. Ugghhhh.  How will I exercise when I feel like I have already done a billion squats.  Did I mention that my attitude is getting a little edgy?  Or that my sleep is becoming limited?  I guess this is just a pre test for when I am actually pregnant.

I was on stand by yesterday morning for my transfer.  The nurse was scheduled to call at 9:00 am .  It is funny how my disease of addiction can play tricks on me.  As I am reading through the list of things to do on the day of transfer there is a line that says, take valium 1 hour before your arrive.  Hummm I don’t recall getting a valium.  So I walk down the hall to my box of drugs (yes a box) and look through it very carefully.  I think maybe they forgot to tell me.  My nurse calls and she tells me the transfer will not be until Monday at 10:30, a day 5 transfer and to arrive at 10:00am with a full bladder.  I ask her about the valium, and she explains they don’t do that anymore.  My mind says, well there goes that freebee.  So I decide I have to get to my meeting that I normally go to.  Instantly I am back in my old behavior of anxiety.  I change like 3 times, and head out the door.  I really need to be there even if I get there for the last 15 minutes.   I am the last person to share, a much needed hey I am here and I still need to be here.  Love those people, can’t do this alone at all!  I am so grateful that I know that today.

We went to visit my family yesterday.  I love them with all of my heart.  My parents, my grandmother, my sister, 3 of her children, my aunt and then 3 other aunts & an uncle that stopped by.  There is never a dull moment, and always great conversation and laughs. My father, and step son were a party to my agony of an injection.  My mother couldn’t watch.  They found it rather amusing, at least my father did.  My step son thinks its kind of funny too!  Ha ha I am so not laughing.    Then Phil makes a funny, and reminds me that his family has twins in it.  Yeah twins.  So what does this mean?  I could have up to 4 children in my belly.  What are the chances of that? Like 1 in a trillion?

We found our new puppy, she is 1 years old and will be traveling from Texas.  She is a yellow lab.  We will keep our fingers crossed that she and our Shadow get along. We are very excited to add her to our ever growing family.

Wish me luck tomorrow.

~ Jessica (painful)

i + i = Relief

I can breath again, went well. We decided to move to the back of her arm. No pain inflicted. What a relief. I had some worries about having to be around syringes due to my past being a recovering intravenous drug user. I don’t think of it the same as before. It’s not as bad as I thought it would be. I have a strong program of recovery, deeply involved in service and an incredible life beyond my wildest dreams. I’m going to be embarking on a journey myself with the consequences of my addiction…. Hepatitis “C”. I am going to be starting treatment with Interferon and Ribavirin for my Type 2 Hepatitis. I will have to be giving myself injections and thought that it would be a trigger. Time will tell and I don’t want to project. I have a healthy fear. I love being apart of my recovery community, a respectable, responsible and productive member of society. The stigma that I believed for your of once and addict always an addict is a lie. We do recover!!! Thank God.

~ Phil

i + i = the first injection

Last night I had held a needle for the first time in over 7 years. We had to watch video’s on how to prepare the syringe pen. Preparing the syringe brought back alot of memories of my steroid use. I always thought that my past was a continuation of bad choices and now know that it was a learning experience for this moment in time. I had the pen preped  and ready. The look of fear on Jessica’s face was heart breaking. She was so scared and I tried to reassure her that everything was going to be ok. She had little faith or trust in me at that moment in time. After some time had passed, she finally got up the nerve to let me give her the shot. I was nervous because I didn’t want to hurt her. Once it was done she and I both felt better. She realized that she had nothing to be afraid of. Our first night of injections was over. She is a strong women and I love her so.

~Phil

i + i = Panic of the pen

Tonight is usually our date night but I have just returned from an evening with one of my dearest loves Wendita, and an old friend I haven’t seen in nearly 5 years, Holly Mama.  I call the 2 of them together my minis!

We have a date night because our lives are busy.  As I mentioned in an earlier post so having a night to ourselves is a rarity.  We are recovering addicts, who choose every day to stay in the process of recovery.  Part of that is an everlasting assortment of meetings  in a fellowship that I shall not name.  Work, eat, sleep, meetings, commitments, fun of course, and a life beyond our wildest dreams…combined with making time for sponsees and real friendships.   Then of course life happens.  We cannot conceive in the normal way nature intended, I like to thank Phil for that but in reality I have only been pregnant once that I know of and I haven’t always been the most careful person on the planet.  I was in a committed relationship with the same person for 8 years and never got pregnant. So we by the advice of our Fertility Specialist, are moving forward with this IVF.  IVF is the best choices for us as my husband is positive for Hepatitis C and I am not.  More on this later…

So we, well Phil is about to inject our first shot of Follistim.  There are 3 body parts that you can choose from; stomach, arm or thigh and these make up the Subcutaneous Injection site. Its a good thing that one of us has some practice in this department.  We go to our fertility doctors website and watch the video a few times and prepare the injectable pen, it is a good thing they start with the easy one.  But as we are about to thrust that needle into my stomach I begin to feel the panic set in.  I am terrified what is it going to feel like, will it hurt, with the medication hurt? Panic of the pen is setting in.   Tears begin to well up in my eyes, and I begin to laugh, for some reason I do this when I am nervous.  Phil reassures me that it is going painless.  I say something like “I have to do this, I have no choice” because really I don’t.  I want a child or maybe 2 and this is the only way to make it remotely an option.  Our dog can tell that something is going on, he begins to want to come save me, he is a mama’s boy.  So after some back and forth and communication, WOW communication, we are able to move forward.  I take a deep breath and Phil grabs a chunk of my stomach and well… I felt nothing.  It didn’t hurt at all.  Really??  I find it fascinating how in your head you create this monstrosity. The psychological will of the brain is baffling.  Only 4 more nights of this and then on to the next medication.  As I sit here typing this out I begin to feel some side effects.  My lower back is beginning to ache and I’m thinking maybe tomorrow I should just get right to sleep so I don’t have to feel the side effects.  My dog is waiting for me to pack up and head to bed so I guess I should.  My last thought before I hit the pillow is that all day I have been thinking about how insignificant I am in the scheme of this great universe and how it isn’t about me getting my way.  Whatever shall be shall be, we will see.

Jessica (breathing)