i + i = beginnings

It’s been months since I’ve written. I was in a dark, confused, bleak, and lifeless place. You know sometimes when you can’t feel and if you do it’s nothing but negative emotion driving more negative emotion. The place between nothing and existing. I just didn’t care. I just didn’t know what I was doing, what I stood for anymore or even who I was.
When you lose something that has a heartbeat that you never even met or lose a soulmate; I believe my grandmother and I were connect far beyond blood. Our spirits were intertwined. I keep hearing her say to me in her lifeless, breathless conversation on the day before she left her physical body “are you going to try again, I hope you try again”. She was the mother of all mothers. She bore 8 children. How she ever became the most spiritual, calm, loving, non-judge mental human being in the planet is a mystery.
She was born into a strict Italian family. Her mother a raging alcoholic, her father intwined in the mafia. I don’t think my grandfather was into anything major but I do know he had to flee NYC and not return out if fear he would be killed. My grandmother was treated like a slave in her own home. Relatives in Italy and her neighbors didn’t even know she existed. Her mother was controlling, abusive and wicked. During the Great Depression my grandmother worked job the factories through an illness that she in her later life found out was actually tuberculosis. Every penny she made her mother took from her. Which is ironic because my gran other sacrificed her entire life to give to so many. I could write about her forever. The selflessness is endless.
She always had a dream of winning the lottery and the night before she died, as my mother helped her frail, week body to the bathroom, she muttered” I wish I could remember where I put the numbers” my mother realizing what she had said consoled her and said “don’t worry mom. I have the numbers.
You see I want to be as amazing as my grandmother and mother are when I’m a mother. I am fearful that I won’t be. That ill turn out damaging my child beyond repair. I’m also fearful that I won’t carry another child to term or that this last chance at IVF won’t work. The thoughts can paralyze me to the point At times I’m not even sure what I want.
In this moment I am moving forward with preparing for another round of IVF. I met with a naturopathic doctor and will be starting a metabolic detox tomorrow and in 2 weeks will start acupuncture to increase our success rate at conceiving a healthy baby or 2.
From all my drug use and the toxins of our environment I believe this detox is essential to giving us the best chance. I want to feel healthy as well as be healthy. It is the combination of the mind, body and spirit that will get me through this IVF cycle.

~ Jessica (cleansing)

i + i = backwards

It’s funny how one moment can turn your world upside down.  It can make you start spinning out of control, throwing you backwards into time.  That’s what happened when I lost this pregnancy.  Life became a question, a series of many questions.  See I placed my faith in getting pregnant, but not just getting pregnant but actually having a child.  Then the carpet was ripped out from under me.

Many, many moons ago I had hoped for a child with my first husband, except we weren’t married yet, we were only dating…for 7 years before we even got married.  Who wouldn’t have wanted a child then.  Anyway my point is this, I have been stuck in the past, reliving the past over and over again.  Thinking about my wrongs, the things that have led to problems in my adult life (child bearing due to bad decisions as a teenager), harm I have caused others, my ex-husband, my abandoned cat, and on and on and on.

My cat was put to sleep this week.  The thing is that this cat was my first pet, this adorable white kitty with a grey patch of fur on his forehead, and a freckle on his nose. who stole my heart 15 years or so ago.  There he was walking around my boyfriend(ex-husband) at the times Halloween party, with his sister that I found a home for also.  that is what I named him, perfect for the holiday.  He cuddled, kept me company, took walks around the neighborhood.  The best, most chill cat.  Even ran the posy of cats in our neighborhood.  They all used to lay in our lawn, what a sight that was looking out the window and seeing like 5 cats basking in the sun. When I left my ex-husband I didn’t take Boo with me. I left him behind in Vermont(where I lived for like 5 months while my ex-husband and I started a business, a record store “In the Moment” – it is still there and he still owns it).  When I left I had not idea where I was going, and I couldn’t bring him with me and I knew that he would be taken care of.  Tore my heart apart, we had been together for 8 years.  Then it stirs up the experience with my ex-husband whom I also spent 8 years with and all the shit that went on during our relationship, which by the way was not a bad one.  It was actually a good relationship minus the fact that I wasn’t in love with him because I didn’t even love myself.

Which leads me to the fact that I am currently making a list of all persons that I have harmed and how.  Yea, fun!  I have been replaying my entire life, and I mean entire.  The damage that I have caused, things I have tried long and hard to shove down deep into my psyche.  Now piece by piece I am looking at each person both directly and indirectly that I hurt in one way or another.  This could take ages.

This whole losing my child was the beginning of my self destruction as well.  I haven’t exercised, I have been wanting nothing more than to eat a bunch of junk and now of course I am feeling sorry for myself.  I keep putting it off, and it isn’t going away it is only getting worse and my clothes are tight.  It is the same old pattern of my life.  It is self hatred at its finest.

I have even been questioning if I would even be a good mother.  That maybe I just shouldn’t be a mom.  I still hate myself, how in the world could I care for another human being?  I am not selfless, I am self centered.  I don’t even want to pick up the phone when it rings.  I haven’t been sincere to anyone who comes in my path.  Again, same behavior, same old defect. I’ve even started to notice that I don’t make friends with people really, that I act like I am and then I disappear because I don’t want people to get close to me.  I don’t want to invest time in them because I am fearful of them leaving.  I am not a genuine friend.  Terrible!

I don’t know.  I recently heard someone asking that age old question, what is the purpose of life?  Hell, I have no idea.  I don’t even know what I want to be when I grow up and I am 37 years old.  Which again I have been thinking a lot about because I am looking at my past!! Why didn’t I go to graduate school, why didn’t I save money, why did I fu@@ up my entire life, blah blah blah.  I don’t even have a hobby.  I thought my purpose would be to some day be a stay at home mother and we can’t even afford for me to do that because I take more money home than my husband (not his fault by the way, he has 2 beautiful teenage boys from a previous marriage and provides half his paycheck to his ex-wife).

I feel like I am in a bad dream and I am moving backwards.  Watching my life in rewind.  I keep praying, the only word that comes out of my mouth is help.  I don’t know what I need, I have no idea what I even want.  And would it matter anyway?  I never get what I want, only what I need.  Dammit I want and I am sick of not getting.

~ Jessica (pause)

i + i = tolerance

Tolerance.  What a great word.  Tolerance is not something I had anything of the last few weeks.  Finally, starting this past Saturday, I had the ability to finally be tolerant once again.  Tolerant of others, tolerant of self.  Those hormones, coupled with the fact I lost a my second child did a number on my ability to be sane.  Thank the universe that I am able to recognize my defects today and that I am willing to get my hand up and share where I am at.  Doing the work to get out of self-centeredness is much easier today then it was when I had no sense of who I was as a person.  And the tolerance came just in time too!

Phil started his treatment and it is a blessing and a miracle that things are going well.  His side effects from the interferon and ribavirin have been minimal.  It is a good thing that he and I got into shape and lost a ton of weight over the past year and a half.  I definitely thing that us being healthy as contributed to our ability to physically move through the IVF & IVN treatments fairly smoothly.  I am hopeful that the remainder of his treatment will go well.

My stitches, though on the inside, have worked their way out to the surface and I had to go into see the doctor yesterday.  One of them was oozing puss.  He said that they were fine, just a little irritated. He pulled the one stitch out and cut it off and it actually feels much better today.    I asked if I can start exercising and he gave me the green light!  I am so excited for this.

Lastly, I have been so over the top with my sweet tooth lately.  I see what I am doing and I am doing it anyway.  The first step in changing is knowing.  So now that I know I can do something about it.  I went to weight watchers and got on the scale and couldn’t believe that I only gained 4 pounds.  It has to be my nerves, combined with my hormones.  The women at weight watchers are amazing.  They were so upset for me and the loss I have suffered.  It helps to know that support is all around you if you just allow others to know where you are at.

I am grateful today that I have moved through one of the worst experiences in my life so far.  Now that I am healing I can look to the future with hope.

~ Jessica (alive)

 

i + i = tempermental

My emotional state has not been well.  I am temperamental and feel it to my core.  It is not just in my actions but in my being, in every fiber of my soul.  Understandably why wouldn’t I be?   I lost a child.  I have been through a lot this past week and a half.  I am emotionally eating, and I know it but continue to shove the junk into my mouth.  It seems as though I am losing all sense of caring.  The first step is knowing and then the second is doing something about it.  I am in the process of taking steps to change it.  Change is action!  So I am off to Weight Watchers tonight to get back on the program before I feel anymore shame and guilt in an area of my life that I am tired of fixing.

I have been super busy on top of everything.  Never a moment for me.  Just go, go, go.  I will be busy from the time I leave work until I finally get to sit down at 9:30 tonight!  Sometimes I really hate life.  That feeling is always temporary.  It will pass.

 

i + i = Agony

Agony is the only word that comes to mind the past two days. Think about the worst period cramps you have ever had then add 10. That’s what I have been feeling. Takes my breath away. Let’s rewind for a moment. On Tuesday I had my mother flushed my pain medication. It was beginning to mess with my mind. I started thinking I needed it and obsessing over it. With my history and some discussion with my network it was decided that I should get rid of it. I’ve come way to far to go back. So back to today. I really really could have used that medication. I spoke with my nurse Debbie at around 11:00 am to discuss this big clump of what I can only guess was my uterine lining that fell out while I was in the shower. She confirmed that is what it probably was. This occurred 2 other times throughout the day. As I laid I the couch debilitated I picked up the phone again at 3:00 pm. I again spoke with Debbie explaining the pain that I was in for the past day and a half. She said “you never mentioned that to me before”. She placed me on hold and came back. I need to arrive at 9:00am for a check up with my doctor. First I need to get blood work in the first floor not second like usual. Hummm? So just for safety I will not eat or drink anything. I pray that nothing is wrong but just in case I don’t want to wait 8 hours to have anesthesia like I did last week. So when 9:00am hits pleas say a prayer for me. Tomorrow is the day that Phil starts his interferon and I am supposed to be going home to take care of him this weekend. I need my health.

Jessica (cramping)

i + i = Helpless

This has been really tough on the both of us. I feel helpless when it comes to Jessica. I want to take the pain from her. When we found out the news that we will be losing the baby, she tried to stay strong by couldn’t hold back the emotions. I held her in my arms to comfort her. We headed to the hospital to await surgery. I tried my best to stay with her. I was up since 2:30 in the morning and couldn’t stay awake. I don’t know what it is about me but I don’t feel traumatic things right away. When I woke up at home the next day is when the pain set in and I began to cry.
Jessica is such a strong women and I love her for that. I look up to her in many ways.
So I have been experiencing some pain and discomfort myself. It started a month or so ago with tendinitis in my right elbow. Then with last Thursday waking up with lower back ache. I brushed it off as I slept wrong. Over the weekend I realized that it was more than that. The pain has been getting increasingly worse. It feels like a pinched nerve. I say that because if I stretch my arms over my head the pain subsides. Last night was the worst. I could not get comfortable. I tossed and turned. I woke this morning with back and hip pain. I’m now sitting at the walk in clinic waiting to be seen.
On top of everything that has transpired, I will be starting my treatment of interferon and Ribavirin this Friday for my Hepatitis C. I have an appointment with my doctor for the first injection at 4. My wife will be accompanying me to the appointment. The journey is about to begin. I’m nervous yet excited at the same time. I have been waiting a long time to start this. It’s finally here.

~ Phil

i + i = blessed

I am happy with my decision to reach out to some really great women before making a decision to take pain medication. I am not a martyr. I needed it by the end of the day especially to sleep. Slowly the gas that they placed in my belly for the surgery is dissipating. I slept really well. Only woke up once at around 4:30 but didn’t dare to move. I waited until 6:30 to rise for the day. Again I won’t be taking anything other than ibuprofen today unless it is absolutely necessary. I woke up super hungry so that is a good sign.
My step son is at our house with the dogs to help take care of them during the storm. Hopefully Phil will get out early and not get stuck in the storm. Im trying to focus on myself. My back is killing me from sleeping on the couch. Maybe tonight ill tackle the stairs so I can sleep in a bed. I have a tremendous amount of gratitude for my family & friends for offering assistance and sending love and well wishes. It helps alleviate that feeling of helplessness. I am lucky to be blessed with good people.

Jessica (healing)

i + i = recovery

Today has not been an easy day. The pain medication was messing with my head. It was saying things like you can take two. The bottle does say take one or two but I really don’t need that many. So today I haven’t taken any and I told my parents to hide them from me. So they did. I may have you take one before bed. I tried to nap but whenever I lay down everything is amplified. The pain gets really uncomfortable.
I had a mental breakdown and hid in the bathroom for a little while and then went and cried on my mothers shoulder. Funny how you never outgrow your mothers love.
The house has been busy today. Just like when I was growing up. Sunday is family day, never less than 10 people for dinner. They all honored around me worried and caring. That how our family operates. We take care of each other. I also reached out to some really important women in my life to share my thoughts so I don’t sit alone with it. Phil visited for a little while too! I was happy to see him. And sad to see him go.
Hope that tomorrow I will feel a little better.
Jessica (uncomfortable)

i + i = surgery

Here I am Oct 27, 2012 in a hospital bed recovering. Things didn’t go as expected. And ectopic pregnancy in my right Fallopian tube. It was obvious something was clearly wrong last weekend when I was in serve unbearable pain. But of course I ignored it and thought it was gas. I mean I have been passing gas & unable to poop for days and days. But in the back of my mind reading about symptoms of ectopic I knew. So my levels were not doubling the had only rose 60%. And my emergency appointment was yesterday when the doctor broke the news. It happened so quickly. I could see the baby and her heartbeat. The only option remove the tube I tries so hard to not cry but lost it. My doctor is do good and says do you need a minute? Thank the universe Phil was with me. So I was admitted immediately and Phil produced a new sample at the office. He is straying interferon next weekend so we need to stock up on some sperm. Off to floor 6 and a long night of waiting for the OR. After 11 hours of waiting the cart me in around 3:00am. Went well. A little out of it do a bit but up this morning and moving around. First time on pain meds and I’m loving That i haven’t needed them so far. That’s a good thing. They a serving there purpose.

Jessica (onward)

i + i = frustration

Today I had more blood work.  I could here the tone in the nurses voice was different. She starts by telling me that my progesterone level is perfect, but…that my HCG level is low.  It is only at 1076, and it should be above 2580. She also says that my TSH level is low (thyroid).  I am already taking Synthroid for this and now will be getting an increase to 100mg.  She tells me the doctor wants to see me next week for an ultrasound.  Hold on I already have one schedule for Oct 31st.  It dawns on me that this can’t be good.  She tells me that he wants to make sure that the embryo is in the right place (not ectopic?)

I am so frustrated over all of this.  This whole IVF thing is no walk in the park and now really??!!  Maybe this is just a fluke, maybe my embryo is just being stubborn.  I am frustrated because I have been so sick with this damn cold.  I don’t care what anyone says, I don’t believe that being sick for the past 9 days is healthy during the first few weeks of pregnancy.  Coughing, sneezing, coughing, not sleeping, hacking up a lung, and exhaustion.  Yea that’s healthy.  I have been doing everything right, I have altered my diet to eat as best as I can, and of course now because I am so upset I run the refrigerator and eat a toasted almond ice cream bar!   Like that is going to help anything.

If this doesn’t work then I am not doing this again.  I don’t know how anyone would want to subject themselves to this type of torture over and over again.  I only wish I hadn’t been so open about what this IVF treatment because now if things don’t work out the entire planet will know about it and I really don’t want to talk about it.  I just want my privacy but it is too late for that isn’t it.   I have been wearing this necklace that says “hope” on it almost everyday but I just don’t feel that feeling right now.  I am numb.  Of course Phil forgot his phone today so I can’t call him.  I have reached out to my parents and a few close friends but I really just want to crawl under my covers and cry.

Jessica (dismayed)