Please forgive me for the title of this post. See the thing is while I am excited about this pregnancy I still want to contain my joy for a little while longer. Being pregnant is definitely a blessing and a miracle. I was pregnant once before, at the wrong time in my life, and I miscarried. There was life and death all in one week. I was excited back then when I took that test, and I even cried. I never thought I could get pregnant so I knew then that it was possible. I asked that ever pressing question, why? Why did I miscarry? Of course these things happen and when I look back on it, it was a blessing is disguise. Phil and I were definitely not ready to take on a child at the time. I myself was just getting my life on track and could barely take care of myself. So now here we are pregnant!! The nurse called and for a second one tear fell from my eyes. I was in TJ Maxx my favorite store of all time when she called. When I called Phil to tell him, he congratulated me! Funny I know, and I said well congratulations to you too Mr. Dunn. We laughed. He later sent me a text reiterating and I quote… “We’re having a baby!!” Everyone around us is so overjoyed and happy. It makes me a little uneasy because I want to be able to not talk about this information with everyone but I set myself up for it by letting people know we were doing IVF and that made breaking the news to everyone later on impossible. And I, I want to see the blood work doubling. I want to see those HCG levels going up. Once I do then I will feel more relief.
You see my life has been marked by a series of life and death situations. For instance when my sister delivered my niece, Josephine, the following day Phil’s mother lost her battle with lung cancer. When Phil & I bought our home, the same day my father was admitted to the hospital into ICU due to his already present heart problem, and things were not looking good (he recovered but it was a good 2 weeks before he was release from the hospital). When we went in for our transfer, we found out that one of our friends girlfriends was taken off of assisted breathing and last week she lost her battle with cancer. So as you can see where there is life there is also death. It is just a natural part of life. Something we cannot avoid! I know, I know, I sound morbid but I don’t mean this in a morbid way at all. I am a skeptic, and that isn’t always the best way to be but its just what I have become from past experiences.
Phil will be starting is Interferon in a few weeks. This also makes me a little uneasy. Not knowing how this will effect him scares me. Are we crazy for doing this at the same time or what??!! I can’t be stressed out, and he can’t be stressed out but yet we are doing 2 very stressful things. And did I mention that my family doesn’t know about his Hep status. We chose not to tell them, it was something we both discussed out of fear of judgement. We also discussed that depending upon how he feels we may have to break the news to them. But that bridge will be crossed when we get there.
Last night I had awful pains in my stomach, but soon realized it must be gas. It frightened me. I had all these terrify thoughts running through my head. And did I mention that I have a cold. UGGGHhh… Not sleeping very well, sore throat, cough and now sneezing and there isn’t a thing I can do about because I am pregnant!! The woman at the blood clinic told me that being sick is a good sign because when you are pregnant your immune system is down, and boy was she right. I am pregnant! Woot Woot!
I want these children more than anything in the world. I have waited what seems like an eternity for this moment. There is also fear. I am obsessed right now with looking up pregnancy foods and want to be sure that I am eating the right way. That what I consume is good for my unborn children (child). I found this great tracker on the USDA website called Super Tracker. It helps you track what you are eating and graphs all the food groups out for you. It tells me I should be eating 2200 calories and I think that is way too much! I think it may be a little off. But I like the graph it gives you. It breaks everything down by categories and lets you know if you are eating right.
Jessica (aware)
A journey through IVF 