i + i = beginnings

It’s been months since I’ve written. I was in a dark, confused, bleak, and lifeless place. You know sometimes when you can’t feel and if you do it’s nothing but negative emotion driving more negative emotion. The place between nothing and existing. I just didn’t care. I just didn’t know what I was doing, what I stood for anymore or even who I was.
When you lose something that has a heartbeat that you never even met or lose a soulmate; I believe my grandmother and I were connect far beyond blood. Our spirits were intertwined. I keep hearing her say to me in her lifeless, breathless conversation on the day before she left her physical body “are you going to try again, I hope you try again”. She was the mother of all mothers. She bore 8 children. How she ever became the most spiritual, calm, loving, non-judge mental human being in the planet is a mystery.
She was born into a strict Italian family. Her mother a raging alcoholic, her father intwined in the mafia. I don’t think my grandfather was into anything major but I do know he had to flee NYC and not return out if fear he would be killed. My grandmother was treated like a slave in her own home. Relatives in Italy and her neighbors didn’t even know she existed. Her mother was controlling, abusive and wicked. During the Great Depression my grandmother worked job the factories through an illness that she in her later life found out was actually tuberculosis. Every penny she made her mother took from her. Which is ironic because my gran other sacrificed her entire life to give to so many. I could write about her forever. The selflessness is endless.
She always had a dream of winning the lottery and the night before she died, as my mother helped her frail, week body to the bathroom, she muttered” I wish I could remember where I put the numbers” my mother realizing what she had said consoled her and said “don’t worry mom. I have the numbers.
You see I want to be as amazing as my grandmother and mother are when I’m a mother. I am fearful that I won’t be. That ill turn out damaging my child beyond repair. I’m also fearful that I won’t carry another child to term or that this last chance at IVF won’t work. The thoughts can paralyze me to the point At times I’m not even sure what I want.
In this moment I am moving forward with preparing for another round of IVF. I met with a naturopathic doctor and will be starting a metabolic detox tomorrow and in 2 weeks will start acupuncture to increase our success rate at conceiving a healthy baby or 2.
From all my drug use and the toxins of our environment I believe this detox is essential to giving us the best chance. I want to feel healthy as well as be healthy. It is the combination of the mind, body and spirit that will get me through this IVF cycle.

~ Jessica (cleansing)

i + i = faith

It has been a while since I have put my fingers to the keys.  I have had life coming at my left and right.  It’s life on life’s terms, not on Jessica’s terms.  Since I last wrote I lost a friend, he passed away at home.  He wasn’t just a friend he was my hairstylist.  I know in my last post I put that I hated my hair but the truth was that I actually began to love it.  He was a talented and gifted person, and he lost his life too soon.  Nobody really knows the reason, but my assumption is that it was related to the disease of addiction in some way.  And the most tragic but not tragic was the death of my grandmother on January 5th, Valentina Antoinette (Pannoni) McGrail.  The most loving, caring, kind, compassionate person that I have ever known.  She lived a long life, she was 96.

So just in case you missed it, I lost the baby in October, lost a friend in December and lost my Grandmother in January.  On top of it Phil is doing his interferon and while  I love him, it is a difficult process to go through, as it is having an effect on his mood.  Lots of stress in the Dunn home, trying to adjust to the ups and downs, both of us.  In addition to all of this our puppy, while cute and cuddly, continues to pee in the house.

My new thing is asking myself, what would Valentina do?  The reason for this is because my faith had been waning and with the passing of my grandmother all of the signs that a higher power is working in my life were present.  She is with me and I know this now.  That whole come to believe thing well it has finally happened for me.I believe, I really do believe.

During the last conversation I had with my grandmother, where she was actually able to talk, because the day she died I did the talking and she the listening, she asked me when Phil & I would be trying for a baby again.  I let her know in March or April we would try again.  And that is exactly what we are going to do.  Although I have fears of not being a good enough mother, or afraid that it won’t work and I will be led down the disappointment road again, I ask myself what would Valentina do? And what I come up with is she wouldn’t give up.  She never gave up.  Even in her darkest hour she never shed a tear, she never complained and she always asked how everyone else was.  She was so selfless.  That is the type of person I want to be.

Today I am heading back to Weight Watchers to find out my fate.  I am sure that I will be a paying customer again.  A friend of mine says that we “eat our feelings”.  Well I am not willing to keep eating, so I have to get on that scale and face my reality because that is what Valentina would do!

~ Jessica (restart)

i + i = tolerance

Tolerance.  What a great word.  Tolerance is not something I had anything of the last few weeks.  Finally, starting this past Saturday, I had the ability to finally be tolerant once again.  Tolerant of others, tolerant of self.  Those hormones, coupled with the fact I lost a my second child did a number on my ability to be sane.  Thank the universe that I am able to recognize my defects today and that I am willing to get my hand up and share where I am at.  Doing the work to get out of self-centeredness is much easier today then it was when I had no sense of who I was as a person.  And the tolerance came just in time too!

Phil started his treatment and it is a blessing and a miracle that things are going well.  His side effects from the interferon and ribavirin have been minimal.  It is a good thing that he and I got into shape and lost a ton of weight over the past year and a half.  I definitely thing that us being healthy as contributed to our ability to physically move through the IVF & IVN treatments fairly smoothly.  I am hopeful that the remainder of his treatment will go well.

My stitches, though on the inside, have worked their way out to the surface and I had to go into see the doctor yesterday.  One of them was oozing puss.  He said that they were fine, just a little irritated. He pulled the one stitch out and cut it off and it actually feels much better today.    I asked if I can start exercising and he gave me the green light!  I am so excited for this.

Lastly, I have been so over the top with my sweet tooth lately.  I see what I am doing and I am doing it anyway.  The first step in changing is knowing.  So now that I know I can do something about it.  I went to weight watchers and got on the scale and couldn’t believe that I only gained 4 pounds.  It has to be my nerves, combined with my hormones.  The women at weight watchers are amazing.  They were so upset for me and the loss I have suffered.  It helps to know that support is all around you if you just allow others to know where you are at.

I am grateful today that I have moved through one of the worst experiences in my life so far.  Now that I am healing I can look to the future with hope.

~ Jessica (alive)

 

i + i = life and death

Please forgive me for the title of this post.  See the thing is while I am excited about this pregnancy I still want to contain my joy for a little while longer. Being pregnant is definitely a blessing and a miracle.  I was pregnant once before, at the wrong time in my life, and I miscarried.  There was life and death all in one week.  I was excited back then when I took that test, and I even cried.  I never thought I could get pregnant so I knew then that it was possible.  I asked that ever pressing question, why?  Why did I miscarry?  Of course these things happen and when I look back on it, it was a blessing is disguise.  Phil and I were definitely not ready to take on a child at the time.  I myself was just getting my life on track and could barely take care of myself.  So now here we are pregnant!!  The nurse called and for a second one tear fell from my eyes.  I was in TJ Maxx my favorite store of all time when she called.  When I called Phil to tell him, he congratulated me!  Funny I know, and I said well congratulations to you too Mr. Dunn.  We laughed.  He later sent me a text reiterating and I quote… “We’re having a baby!!”  Everyone around us is so overjoyed and happy.  It makes me a little uneasy because I want to be able to not talk about this information with everyone but I set myself up for it by letting people know we were doing IVF and that made breaking the news to everyone later on impossible.  And I, I want to see the blood work doubling. I want to see those HCG levels going up.  Once I do then I will feel more relief.

You see my life has been marked by a series of life and death situations.    For instance when my sister delivered my niece, Josephine, the following day Phil’s mother lost her battle with lung cancer.  When Phil & I bought our home, the same day my father was admitted to the hospital into ICU due to his already present heart problem, and things were not looking good (he recovered but it was a good 2 weeks before he was release from the hospital).  When we went in for our transfer, we found out that one of our friends girlfriends was taken off of assisted breathing and last week she lost her battle with cancer.  So as you can see where there is life there is also death.  It is just a natural part of life. Something we cannot avoid!  I know, I know, I sound morbid but I don’t mean this in a morbid way at all.  I am a skeptic, and that isn’t always the best way to be but its just what I have become from past experiences.

Phil will be starting is Interferon in a few weeks.  This also makes me a little uneasy.  Not knowing how this will effect him scares me.  Are we crazy for doing this at the same time or what??!!   I can’t be stressed out, and he can’t be stressed out but yet we are doing 2 very stressful things.  And did I mention that my family doesn’t know about his Hep status.  We chose not to tell them, it was something we both discussed out of fear of judgement.  We also discussed that depending upon how he feels we may have to break the news to them.  But that bridge will be crossed when we get there.

Last night I had awful pains in my stomach, but soon realized it must be gas.  It frightened me. I had all these terrify thoughts running through my head.  And did I mention that I have a cold.  UGGGHhh… Not sleeping very well, sore throat, cough and now sneezing and there isn’t a thing I can do about because I am pregnant!!  The woman at the blood clinic told me that being sick is a good sign because when you are pregnant your immune system is down, and boy was she right. I am pregnant!  Woot Woot!

I want these children more than anything in the world.  I have waited what seems like an eternity for this moment.  There is also fear.  I am obsessed right now with looking up pregnancy foods and want to be sure that I am eating the right way.  That what I consume is good for my unborn children (child).  I found this great tracker on the USDA website called Super Tracker.  It helps you track what you are eating and graphs all the food groups out for you.  It tells me I should be eating 2200 calories and I think that is way too much!  I think it may be a little off.  But I like the graph it gives you.  It breaks everything down by categories and lets you know if you are eating right.

Jessica (aware)

i + i = uncertain

I hadn’t hear back from the nurse today.  I waited until 3:00 before I called and left a message.  I was waiting to find out what the next steps were, if I needed to take the Ganirelix (<—video information here).   The nurse called back.  I was in the middle of a meeting with one of our directors and my co-worker/friend.  I excuse myself and the nurse starts giving me the protocol to follow for the next few days.  She asks “have you taken the Ganirelix?”  I explained how I was told to wait until I received a call.  I need to take it and then continue with my Follistim, then come into the office Saturday morning for an ultrasound and blood work.  Inside I am in full panic mode, as this means I have to try and give myself the shot.  As I am thinking about what I need to do she says “jessica, you need to talk to your ovaries tonight and tell them to start working, we need at least 4 follicles to continue with this cycle, do you understand?”.  WHAT!!!  Oh know, I am so worried now.  Not work??!!  What does this mean?  I thought the doctor this morning told me that I had 4 that were over 10mm.

So I hang up the phone. I immediately return to my co-worker & friend for nearly 25 years.  I am freaking out, how will I stick this needle in my belly.  We go to my office and I am shaking, I try.  I take a breath aim, and NOTHING…I can’t do it.  I can inflict physical pain on myself.  She goes to try and she can’t either.  She is nervous, so after about 5 minutes of this back and forth I pick up the phone and contact a fellow co-worker who has been through IVF.  I drive to her office and she is already waiting with gloves and a alcohol wipe. I lift my shirt, she aims, pinch and a sting…DONE!  That’s it?  That’s all?  I immediately start to get red around the area and a little bit of an itch but it didn’t hurt at all.

Now back to the fact that I have to make sure that my follicles are working.  I have not control over this.  It is the uncertainty that causes me fear.  If this doesn’t work we need to start over again.  This means that Phil will have to wait to start his Interferon for his Hep C.  The medication he needs to take causes birth defects.  I hate being uncertain.  Its that icky feeling in your heart, and your belly that makes you nervous, anxious and ridden with a anxiety.  So I do what I have been taught.  I send out a mass text message to some of my girls asking for prayers and positive energy.  They of course never fail me and respond.  I have cheerleaders!  It’s an amazing feeling.

Phil & I are moving forward with injections in my STOMACH.  He rubbed my belly last night for good luck!  This mornings injection went well.  I played with my Shadow this morning and took him for ride in the car.  Poor little guy, he has no idea how his life is going to change.  I hope we can find another lab or golden soon.  He needs a companion, we need a companion for him.  I never want him to feel like he is being 2nd choice!

~ Jessica (positivity)

i + i = growing

Delayed response.  That is what my doctor is saying is occurring in my ovaries. This is my second ultrasound since the baseline and my follicles are growing slowly.  They range they are aiming for is 10 MM to start the Ganirelix.We discussed the Follistim shots and how I am doing them in the back of the arm.  She said it was ok, but hesitated about it.   I asked if it is better to them in my belly?   She said well you don’t have to.  Well guess what??!  This girl is going for the belly.  I want this to work.  If doing it in the belly is going to make those follies grow then I have to suck it up and do it!  I can’t start my Ganirelix yet.  I have to wait for the doctor to review my ultrasound& blood work.  My estrogen levels are at 100 and this apparently is a good thing.

(my 2nd ultrasound results here)

The doctor can tell that I am worried and reassures me that it everything is progressing and not to worry.  She says “come on, let’s hug it out” and she puts her arms out and waves me in and gives me a big (((hug))).

I hope that my follicles start responding better to the medication.  I really want this to work. I will practice patience today.

Jessica (faith)

i + i = self care

Lunch break on Friday. It’s usually when I get a pedicure. It helps me relax and like Billy Joel sings in the Piano Man “forget about life a while”. It’s my hour therapy. If only I had a chair and a nail technician at my disposal I feel like every day would be a relaxing day.
This self care thing is important and I am sure that it will be even more important during this process. I used to do yoga and meditate. I really need to get back to doing this. I can’t be all worked up over everything going on around me. Although sometimes its hard to shut down when people are relapsing or you see friends struggling through a life threatening illness, or a major life event that is causing them pain. Just so you get an idea I’m a cancer and I feel everything other people feel, everything. I’m cursed with this thing I call over productive tear ducts. It’s like the faucet turns on and nothing can stop it. When I was active in my addiction those tears went away. I remember when they came back I despised it. Anyway back to self care. I’ve got to find a way to reduce my anxiety and stay centered. Self care is the solution. The last thing I want is a producing a child that lives in a fluid filled bag of stress. I have to think about something other than myself. This is for the greater good of another human being. I was thinking about it this morning, having a child has got to be the #1 most selfless thing you do because it isn’t about your wants anymore its about providing for the needs of an innocent fragile beautiful helpless baby. It has got to change you through to the depths of your soul. See here come those tears I told you about. Just the thought of a child brings me to tears.
~ Jessica (changing)