i + i = don’t know

As time keeps passing since I lost the baby, I just don’t know if it is exactly what I want in my life.  I fall back on the idea of “who am I” and what makes me think that playing with nature is going to bring a positive outcome.   From what I have read the birth defect rates in children that are conceived through IVF are greater.  Those changes are already greater just because of my ever growing age.  Since our first cycle, my emotional health has suffered tremendously.  I have not been the same mentally.  I am a complete crazed lunatic if you asked me, and I am sure if you asked my husband.  Part of my is thankful that I am not pregnant right now, as the stress created about several situations in my life would not be good for the babies health.  I guess everything happens for a reason. 

~Jessica (lost)

i + i = tolerance

Tolerance.  What a great word.  Tolerance is not something I had anything of the last few weeks.  Finally, starting this past Saturday, I had the ability to finally be tolerant once again.  Tolerant of others, tolerant of self.  Those hormones, coupled with the fact I lost a my second child did a number on my ability to be sane.  Thank the universe that I am able to recognize my defects today and that I am willing to get my hand up and share where I am at.  Doing the work to get out of self-centeredness is much easier today then it was when I had no sense of who I was as a person.  And the tolerance came just in time too!

Phil started his treatment and it is a blessing and a miracle that things are going well.  His side effects from the interferon and ribavirin have been minimal.  It is a good thing that he and I got into shape and lost a ton of weight over the past year and a half.  I definitely thing that us being healthy as contributed to our ability to physically move through the IVF & IVN treatments fairly smoothly.  I am hopeful that the remainder of his treatment will go well.

My stitches, though on the inside, have worked their way out to the surface and I had to go into see the doctor yesterday.  One of them was oozing puss.  He said that they were fine, just a little irritated. He pulled the one stitch out and cut it off and it actually feels much better today.    I asked if I can start exercising and he gave me the green light!  I am so excited for this.

Lastly, I have been so over the top with my sweet tooth lately.  I see what I am doing and I am doing it anyway.  The first step in changing is knowing.  So now that I know I can do something about it.  I went to weight watchers and got on the scale and couldn’t believe that I only gained 4 pounds.  It has to be my nerves, combined with my hormones.  The women at weight watchers are amazing.  They were so upset for me and the loss I have suffered.  It helps to know that support is all around you if you just allow others to know where you are at.

I am grateful today that I have moved through one of the worst experiences in my life so far.  Now that I am healing I can look to the future with hope.

~ Jessica (alive)

 

i + i = Medication

On Friday I received a call from the Pharmacy that my Interferon and Ribavirin were approved by my insurance. This is good news. The medication will be sent out on Monday and here by Tuesday. I told Jessica that I will be start this coming Friday, I’m just so ready to get this behind me, and she told me that we have plans that weekend to meet with my God Father and God Mother for dinner. So we won’t be able to start on that weekend. I’m excited to have dinner with my aunt and uncle because I burned so many bridges with my family, due to me active addiction, that it has taken seven years for some of them to mend.
So I say that I’m going to start the following Friday which is the 25th I believe, and wouldn’t you know that I have to work, mandatory inventory and I also have Region to attend at 2pm. Well I guess I won’t be starting until November 2nd. I checked the calendar and we are all set. Once the medication gets here I have to call my doctor and set up an appointment. She wants we to do the first shot with her in the office.
So this is it. The time has finally come.

~ Phil

i + i = life and death

Please forgive me for the title of this post.  See the thing is while I am excited about this pregnancy I still want to contain my joy for a little while longer. Being pregnant is definitely a blessing and a miracle.  I was pregnant once before, at the wrong time in my life, and I miscarried.  There was life and death all in one week.  I was excited back then when I took that test, and I even cried.  I never thought I could get pregnant so I knew then that it was possible.  I asked that ever pressing question, why?  Why did I miscarry?  Of course these things happen and when I look back on it, it was a blessing is disguise.  Phil and I were definitely not ready to take on a child at the time.  I myself was just getting my life on track and could barely take care of myself.  So now here we are pregnant!!  The nurse called and for a second one tear fell from my eyes.  I was in TJ Maxx my favorite store of all time when she called.  When I called Phil to tell him, he congratulated me!  Funny I know, and I said well congratulations to you too Mr. Dunn.  We laughed.  He later sent me a text reiterating and I quote… “We’re having a baby!!”  Everyone around us is so overjoyed and happy.  It makes me a little uneasy because I want to be able to not talk about this information with everyone but I set myself up for it by letting people know we were doing IVF and that made breaking the news to everyone later on impossible.  And I, I want to see the blood work doubling. I want to see those HCG levels going up.  Once I do then I will feel more relief.

You see my life has been marked by a series of life and death situations.    For instance when my sister delivered my niece, Josephine, the following day Phil’s mother lost her battle with lung cancer.  When Phil & I bought our home, the same day my father was admitted to the hospital into ICU due to his already present heart problem, and things were not looking good (he recovered but it was a good 2 weeks before he was release from the hospital).  When we went in for our transfer, we found out that one of our friends girlfriends was taken off of assisted breathing and last week she lost her battle with cancer.  So as you can see where there is life there is also death.  It is just a natural part of life. Something we cannot avoid!  I know, I know, I sound morbid but I don’t mean this in a morbid way at all.  I am a skeptic, and that isn’t always the best way to be but its just what I have become from past experiences.

Phil will be starting is Interferon in a few weeks.  This also makes me a little uneasy.  Not knowing how this will effect him scares me.  Are we crazy for doing this at the same time or what??!!   I can’t be stressed out, and he can’t be stressed out but yet we are doing 2 very stressful things.  And did I mention that my family doesn’t know about his Hep status.  We chose not to tell them, it was something we both discussed out of fear of judgement.  We also discussed that depending upon how he feels we may have to break the news to them.  But that bridge will be crossed when we get there.

Last night I had awful pains in my stomach, but soon realized it must be gas.  It frightened me. I had all these terrify thoughts running through my head.  And did I mention that I have a cold.  UGGGHhh… Not sleeping very well, sore throat, cough and now sneezing and there isn’t a thing I can do about because I am pregnant!!  The woman at the blood clinic told me that being sick is a good sign because when you are pregnant your immune system is down, and boy was she right. I am pregnant!  Woot Woot!

I want these children more than anything in the world.  I have waited what seems like an eternity for this moment.  There is also fear.  I am obsessed right now with looking up pregnancy foods and want to be sure that I am eating the right way.  That what I consume is good for my unborn children (child).  I found this great tracker on the USDA website called Super Tracker.  It helps you track what you are eating and graphs all the food groups out for you.  It tells me I should be eating 2200 calories and I think that is way too much!  I think it may be a little off.  But I like the graph it gives you.  It breaks everything down by categories and lets you know if you are eating right.

Jessica (aware)

i + i = Pregnant

Well the results are in and Jessica is pregnant. It’s really starting to sink in that there could be a possibility for twins. Honestly that makes me very nervous. I know in my heart though that God is in control and he will not give us more than we can handle. I just worry financially that we will make ends meet. One child is one thing, 2 is a whole other ballpark. I’m hoping for a little Girl, although I would be happy with either. That all I can pray for is that the baby is healthy.
We also have a new addition to our family coming on Saturday. She is a yellow lab which we are naming Sunny. Not sure how I really feal about the name. I’m sure it will grow on me. She is on a three day journey from Texas.
So yesterday I had my appointment at my doctors for a follow up of some blood work that she wanted me to get done for my Hepatitis C. The results came back just like I thought they would. My Viral Load went up from 16 Million to 21 million. I could tell because I have been getting increasingly tired. My body is working harder to try and fight of the disease. So I talked with my doctor and will be start treatment of Interferon and Ribavirin. She ordered the medication yesterday that should be delivered in 2 weeks. So the journey begins. What a big day yesterday turned out to be.
I love my wife. She has been so strong through this all. More will be revealed.

~ Phil

i + i = mental breakdown

This past weekend I stayed at my parents house so the mold problem in our home could get worked on. Sitting with my family all weekend brought a tremendous amount of sadness. I watched my 97 year old grandmother struggle with daily activities, and the confusion that she lives in is a sign of her ever failing health. See this woman has lived in my families home since I was 10 years old, I am now 37. She has helped shape and define the woman that I have become. The other woman who has done this same thing is my mother. While I was watching my grandmother I was also watching my mother. She is by far the most selfless human being that I know. Besides taking care of my grandmother full time she also takes care of my Aunt who is intellectually disabled (has the intellectual ability of a 6 year old). On top of that she is driving my sister around all over the planet, along with my sisters 2 oldest children since my sister doesn’t have her license at the moment. My mother is stretched to the limits. She has not time for herself. It is a bit sad to watch but at the same time I can only hope to be as loving and caring as she is. Then there is my father whom with a drop if a dime will run out the door to help his children, friends and family. So he spent 2 days with Phil fixing the mold problem.

On the way home from committee meeting I total melt down. It all come crashing down. The way I’ve been acting and treating the people I love. These hormones are hard to stop!! So I cried, a complete mental breakdown. I lost it. Sobbed like a baby.

Jessica (remorseful)
I forgot to post this

i + i = electrolytes and blood pressure

My visit to the doctor yesterday went well.  They ran a series of blood pressure test on me; one lying down, one sitting and one standing.  They all came back the same.  Of course they did…because the episode was over, it happened like 3 hours earlier!

I met with the doctor, and she checked my heart, and abdomen.  Everything looks good.  Conclusion, electrolytes are low and blood pressure dropped.  So I am required to drink one Gatorade a day.  My initial response was “there is so much sugar in Gatorade!, its empty calories!”  She was like “you are not leaving here until you promise to drink at least one bottle a day”.  Ok ok, its for the babies!  I will of course do it.  I also have to be mindful of standing up slowly so it doesn’t happen again.

I have been noticing that I am slowly gaining weight and I am not even pregos yet!  My belly is big and I am so not feeling good.  I can’t exercise and I am trying to be as healthy as possible.  Everything I put in my mouth I think, is this good for the babies.  I keep saying babies because I am really hoping for twins.  Don’t tell Phil though!

Still doing progesterone in oil shots, counting the days until that is OVER! Today I feel good except for the noisy maintenance men who are invading my serenity.  Noise doesn’t mix well with me when I am working.

Someone lost their life to cancer today.  Just in case you didn’t get the memo, Cancer SUCKS!  I spoke out to my dear friend who lost her battle with Cancer and asked for her to please guide Jenn and make her comfortable!  We are never alone no matter what journey we are on.

~ Jessica (perspective)

~

 

i + i = The Big Day

Well I went into work early this morning. I have to make up the hours I’m going to miss tomorrow. We are going to the doctors to collect the eggs and leave a sperm sample. Let me just talk about that for a minute. They lead you down a long hallway to the back of the office. There are a few doors with do not disturb signs on them. You enter a room with a television, DVD player, a counter, soft lighting from a lamp on an end table, a couch with a throw away pad on it and a cabinet with movies and magazines. Now I don’t know about anyone else but this is uncomfortable and the videos are out dated. I guess I’m fortunate that I took the suggestion to stay out of a relationship for my first year of recovery and became very good at pleasing myself. The last time I had to leave a sample, when we first started IVF, I was in the room for about 3 minutes. That’s gotta be some kind of record, right? Well gotta get back to work. TTYS

~ Phil

i + i = moving forward

The door opens and the doctor I get to see is Dr. Benadiva, my fertility specialist that I haven’t seen in person for almost 2 months. I am relived that he looks at the screen and tells me we are moving forward! Here is my 3rd ultrasound.

WOOOO HOOOO we are moving forward. My retrieval will be on Wednesday. I have to come in on Monday for more blood work and an ultra sound and they will give me detailed instructions for Wednesday at the that time. I will continue with my normal protocol.

I ask for help with Ganirelix shot. The nurse obliges and we step into another room. Let’s just say that Phil is the only person I want sticking needles in my body. Beside the second shot he gave me, he has been amazing.

That’s all. I feel relieved but I feel, well I feel like doing absolutely nothing with me day.

~Jessica (indifferent)

i + i = uncertain

I hadn’t hear back from the nurse today.  I waited until 3:00 before I called and left a message.  I was waiting to find out what the next steps were, if I needed to take the Ganirelix (<—video information here).   The nurse called back.  I was in the middle of a meeting with one of our directors and my co-worker/friend.  I excuse myself and the nurse starts giving me the protocol to follow for the next few days.  She asks “have you taken the Ganirelix?”  I explained how I was told to wait until I received a call.  I need to take it and then continue with my Follistim, then come into the office Saturday morning for an ultrasound and blood work.  Inside I am in full panic mode, as this means I have to try and give myself the shot.  As I am thinking about what I need to do she says “jessica, you need to talk to your ovaries tonight and tell them to start working, we need at least 4 follicles to continue with this cycle, do you understand?”.  WHAT!!!  Oh know, I am so worried now.  Not work??!!  What does this mean?  I thought the doctor this morning told me that I had 4 that were over 10mm.

So I hang up the phone. I immediately return to my co-worker & friend for nearly 25 years.  I am freaking out, how will I stick this needle in my belly.  We go to my office and I am shaking, I try.  I take a breath aim, and NOTHING…I can’t do it.  I can inflict physical pain on myself.  She goes to try and she can’t either.  She is nervous, so after about 5 minutes of this back and forth I pick up the phone and contact a fellow co-worker who has been through IVF.  I drive to her office and she is already waiting with gloves and a alcohol wipe. I lift my shirt, she aims, pinch and a sting…DONE!  That’s it?  That’s all?  I immediately start to get red around the area and a little bit of an itch but it didn’t hurt at all.

Now back to the fact that I have to make sure that my follicles are working.  I have not control over this.  It is the uncertainty that causes me fear.  If this doesn’t work we need to start over again.  This means that Phil will have to wait to start his Interferon for his Hep C.  The medication he needs to take causes birth defects.  I hate being uncertain.  Its that icky feeling in your heart, and your belly that makes you nervous, anxious and ridden with a anxiety.  So I do what I have been taught.  I send out a mass text message to some of my girls asking for prayers and positive energy.  They of course never fail me and respond.  I have cheerleaders!  It’s an amazing feeling.

Phil & I are moving forward with injections in my STOMACH.  He rubbed my belly last night for good luck!  This mornings injection went well.  I played with my Shadow this morning and took him for ride in the car.  Poor little guy, he has no idea how his life is going to change.  I hope we can find another lab or golden soon.  He needs a companion, we need a companion for him.  I never want him to feel like he is being 2nd choice!

~ Jessica (positivity)