i + i = did it

I’m sitting on my heating pad.  I finally gave myself my own POI (progesterone shot).  It is kind of funny because I have been so terrified to do it and oddly enough it didn’t hurt at all.  True to fashion I made a mountain out of a mole hill.  I took a deep breath with a dart like motion stabbed my right cheek, well kind of, and then pulled it out.  What??!!  Really??!!  So because I pulled it out I had to stab it all over again. Pushing down the plunger is kind of hard when you are reaching behind but I did it!

Between being sick with this killer cold, Phil being away on business and the new puppy, I am completely exhausted.  The puppy whom by the said was around a year old has got to only be about 10 months, she is a true puppy through and through.  Chewing on everything in site and she is not potty trained or leash trained.  She does however sit!!  Why we thought getting a new dog on top of doing IVF, being pregnant and Phil beginning is Interferon, was a good idea is beyond me!  Think things through??  Why in the world would we do that?

So I have been managing eating really well.  I’m adding more fruits and veggies by starting my day with a green juice!  Yummo, and then having an omelet with cheddar, peppers and mushrooms with two slices of whole wheat bread.   Then I am making sure to have at least 2 more fruits and veggies during the day, with an additional dairy (yogurt, cheese or glass of milk).  I have almost eliminated all caffeine, except for my small cup in the morning.  I have been trying to have a salad with dinner, and some sweet potatoes and broccoli.  My baby (babies?) is what I eat, so I better eat well.  I am also making sure that I am taking in enough water as this is essential for growth!  Now if I can just find time to get my exercise back into my life!  This is super important.  Tomorrow I will start walking after work.  It has just been so difficult because my health has had one obstacle after another.

More blood work Friday and Oct 31st cannot come fast enough!  I want to see that little itty bitty baby (babies).

Jessica (sleepwalking)

 

i + i = puppy love

The last few days have been nothing short of interesting. This damn cold is really getting on my last nerve. I’ve barely slept in three days and I am exhausted. I stayed home from work yesterday and of course didn’t just lay in bed. I was all over the place. I started with blood work. I brought Shadow, our lab with me because after that I headed to my home town to pick up a crate for our new puppy. I stopped and scooped up my friend Amy and then headed to Joey G’s house. In left Shadow behind to play with his two dogs Matty and Billy while the 3 of us headed out for breakfast. I ordered an omelette with broccoli, peppers and mushrooms with cheddar. Trying to get more fiber and veggies for 2 reasons health and the hope that I will be able to finally poop. The progesterone is kicking my ass. My stomach is all kinds of crazy right now. Then after breakfast and picking up the crate I headed to my parents house to pick up my sneakers that I had left there last weekend. Then home at last! A quick rest. My phone rang and it was the nurse calling with my results. My HCG went up to 167, it didn’t double. The nurse said it was ok because it did go up 60%. However she said that it may be that only one of the two survived. This makes me sad. I was hoping for the two but either way I am still happy that one is still growing. Then I was off for a hair cut. The to pick up the kids and grocery shop. By the time I got home last night I felt horrible, exhausted and ready for bed but couldn’t because I had to make dinner. It is never ending. I finally climbed into bed. Kleenex by the bed, water, halls cough drips and vicks vapo rub. None of this stuff really helps! Having a cold while pregnant is a trying experience. Very stressful. No sooner did I get in bed I had to get out for my progesterone shot. This one did not go well. It hurt and I bled like a geyser. Then the flood gates opened and I was in a full blow crying episode. Poor Phil he had no idea what to do with me or for me.

Anyway today was a much better day. Started my day off right. Got to hear what i needed to hear. That self pity is a terrible thing to live in and at that moment I knew that was exactly what I had been doing… Feeling sorry for myself. Although I didn’t feel well I was able to be productive getting all my healthy food ready for the week. The baby is what I eat so I should eat well. I made a great ziti dinner with homemade mini meatballs for the family. And then the puppy!! We got our new Sunny today and she is a bright spot for sure. Puppy love! Our new yellow lab and our amazing black lab were instant friends. Soul mates!

Jessica (amazed)

i + i = life and death

Please forgive me for the title of this post.  See the thing is while I am excited about this pregnancy I still want to contain my joy for a little while longer. Being pregnant is definitely a blessing and a miracle.  I was pregnant once before, at the wrong time in my life, and I miscarried.  There was life and death all in one week.  I was excited back then when I took that test, and I even cried.  I never thought I could get pregnant so I knew then that it was possible.  I asked that ever pressing question, why?  Why did I miscarry?  Of course these things happen and when I look back on it, it was a blessing is disguise.  Phil and I were definitely not ready to take on a child at the time.  I myself was just getting my life on track and could barely take care of myself.  So now here we are pregnant!!  The nurse called and for a second one tear fell from my eyes.  I was in TJ Maxx my favorite store of all time when she called.  When I called Phil to tell him, he congratulated me!  Funny I know, and I said well congratulations to you too Mr. Dunn.  We laughed.  He later sent me a text reiterating and I quote… “We’re having a baby!!”  Everyone around us is so overjoyed and happy.  It makes me a little uneasy because I want to be able to not talk about this information with everyone but I set myself up for it by letting people know we were doing IVF and that made breaking the news to everyone later on impossible.  And I, I want to see the blood work doubling. I want to see those HCG levels going up.  Once I do then I will feel more relief.

You see my life has been marked by a series of life and death situations.    For instance when my sister delivered my niece, Josephine, the following day Phil’s mother lost her battle with lung cancer.  When Phil & I bought our home, the same day my father was admitted to the hospital into ICU due to his already present heart problem, and things were not looking good (he recovered but it was a good 2 weeks before he was release from the hospital).  When we went in for our transfer, we found out that one of our friends girlfriends was taken off of assisted breathing and last week she lost her battle with cancer.  So as you can see where there is life there is also death.  It is just a natural part of life. Something we cannot avoid!  I know, I know, I sound morbid but I don’t mean this in a morbid way at all.  I am a skeptic, and that isn’t always the best way to be but its just what I have become from past experiences.

Phil will be starting is Interferon in a few weeks.  This also makes me a little uneasy.  Not knowing how this will effect him scares me.  Are we crazy for doing this at the same time or what??!!   I can’t be stressed out, and he can’t be stressed out but yet we are doing 2 very stressful things.  And did I mention that my family doesn’t know about his Hep status.  We chose not to tell them, it was something we both discussed out of fear of judgement.  We also discussed that depending upon how he feels we may have to break the news to them.  But that bridge will be crossed when we get there.

Last night I had awful pains in my stomach, but soon realized it must be gas.  It frightened me. I had all these terrify thoughts running through my head.  And did I mention that I have a cold.  UGGGHhh… Not sleeping very well, sore throat, cough and now sneezing and there isn’t a thing I can do about because I am pregnant!!  The woman at the blood clinic told me that being sick is a good sign because when you are pregnant your immune system is down, and boy was she right. I am pregnant!  Woot Woot!

I want these children more than anything in the world.  I have waited what seems like an eternity for this moment.  There is also fear.  I am obsessed right now with looking up pregnancy foods and want to be sure that I am eating the right way.  That what I consume is good for my unborn children (child).  I found this great tracker on the USDA website called Super Tracker.  It helps you track what you are eating and graphs all the food groups out for you.  It tells me I should be eating 2200 calories and I think that is way too much!  I think it may be a little off.  But I like the graph it gives you.  It breaks everything down by categories and lets you know if you are eating right.

Jessica (aware)

i + i = Pregnant

Well the results are in and Jessica is pregnant. It’s really starting to sink in that there could be a possibility for twins. Honestly that makes me very nervous. I know in my heart though that God is in control and he will not give us more than we can handle. I just worry financially that we will make ends meet. One child is one thing, 2 is a whole other ballpark. I’m hoping for a little Girl, although I would be happy with either. That all I can pray for is that the baby is healthy.
We also have a new addition to our family coming on Saturday. She is a yellow lab which we are naming Sunny. Not sure how I really feal about the name. I’m sure it will grow on me. She is on a three day journey from Texas.
So yesterday I had my appointment at my doctors for a follow up of some blood work that she wanted me to get done for my Hepatitis C. The results came back just like I thought they would. My Viral Load went up from 16 Million to 21 million. I could tell because I have been getting increasingly tired. My body is working harder to try and fight of the disease. So I talked with my doctor and will be start treatment of Interferon and Ribavirin. She ordered the medication yesterday that should be delivered in 2 weeks. So the journey begins. What a big day yesterday turned out to be.
I love my wife. She has been so strong through this all. More will be revealed.

~ Phil

i + i = ups and downs

Well those hormones are sure kicking my ass. One minute I perfectly fine and the next I’m ready to commit murder. I’m sure these ups and downs are just at the beginning especially if I am pregnant. Thursday night I was super snappy at Phil and when he decide to give it back to me I balled my eyes out. We just finished POI (progesterone in oil, I’m starting to get the hang of all these IVF acronyms) and I said can you be nice to me! That’s when the waterfall started. He hugged me and asked why are you crying? I have no idea!! And at work I’m just aggravated with the same things that keep happening over and over. I wonder how one place could be so messed up?!

So we have a mold problem in our home. This problem stems from a water problem we had in the basement. Lots of flooding and a crack in the foundation = problem. Phil an I have been disputing the seriousness of the issue for over a year. I say it’s a problem, he says I’m making into something bigger than it is. We have been up and down and back and forth on this topic. Well we also have some in our attic. Now it has gotten down to the wire because if I am in fact pregnant then I can’t be around toxic black mold. Our unborn children cannot be around toxic black mold.

So needless to say he is now fixing it alone, well without me. We are grateful that one of our friends is helping him. He has a hepa respirator mask, tyvek suit, goggles and Shockwave treatment. You have to take certain precautions so the mold spores don’t travel to other areas of your house. Sealed off rooms, turn off all forced air, open windows and on and on. He starred in the basement last night and yup!! There is is mold behind every wall. So needless to say its gonna be expensive but not as expensive if we had to hire someone.

O the stress. The stress of not being in control. I have no control because I am at my parents with the dog and not able to be around to see the disaster. And the shitty part is that we most likely have to do this again because the basement is gonna take longer then we had expected. So the attic will have to be tackled at a later date. Which by the way is not good because we will have 2 dogs by then. Where will we stay!? Ok stay in the day Jessica. That hasn’t happened yet. One minute at a time. Acceptance, faith and trust.

Talk about trust, my father had to do my PIO last night because Phil wasn’t here. And I was dreaming out but you know what…I didn’t even feel it at all. So my dad is like a professional. I think he was as nervous as I was.

Jessica (balance)

i + i = electrolytes and blood pressure

My visit to the doctor yesterday went well.  They ran a series of blood pressure test on me; one lying down, one sitting and one standing.  They all came back the same.  Of course they did…because the episode was over, it happened like 3 hours earlier!

I met with the doctor, and she checked my heart, and abdomen.  Everything looks good.  Conclusion, electrolytes are low and blood pressure dropped.  So I am required to drink one Gatorade a day.  My initial response was “there is so much sugar in Gatorade!, its empty calories!”  She was like “you are not leaving here until you promise to drink at least one bottle a day”.  Ok ok, its for the babies!  I will of course do it.  I also have to be mindful of standing up slowly so it doesn’t happen again.

I have been noticing that I am slowly gaining weight and I am not even pregos yet!  My belly is big and I am so not feeling good.  I can’t exercise and I am trying to be as healthy as possible.  Everything I put in my mouth I think, is this good for the babies.  I keep saying babies because I am really hoping for twins.  Don’t tell Phil though!

Still doing progesterone in oil shots, counting the days until that is OVER! Today I feel good except for the noisy maintenance men who are invading my serenity.  Noise doesn’t mix well with me when I am working.

Someone lost their life to cancer today.  Just in case you didn’t get the memo, Cancer SUCKS!  I spoke out to my dear friend who lost her battle with Cancer and asked for her to please guide Jenn and make her comfortable!  We are never alone no matter what journey we are on.

~ Jessica (perspective)

~

 

i + i = on the floor

Well I was thrilled that I had slept through the night. I got up with Phil at 4:30 to take my thyroid medication and to use the bathroom and then back to bed I went. At 6:30 I decide I should get up and ready for work. I strolled over to the closet opened the door and whoosh it hit me like a bat out of hell, dizziness, nausea to the point of near vomiting, heart racing and hot flash. I went down to the floor laid on my side and starting breathing. O shit where is my phone I thought. What is this that is happening. I slowly got up and got my phone on the dresser still not feeling right and walked with my hand on the wall to the bathroom. I again went on the floor. Deep breathing and sweating. I called Phil to let him know something is wrong. What is this? Uncalled the fertility hotline and spoke to the doctor on call. She said its probably my blood pressure dropping. I don’t know. I have had that blight headed feeling from standing up to quickly before and this was that times ten an then some. So now I’m at the doctor office waiting to be seen. We will see. I tell you what I won’t be standing up quickly anymore. That scared that crap out of me. No bueno!

i + i = feet up

Yesterday I found it simple to put me feet up on the couch and tell Phil what to do. Minus having to use the bathroom a million times I did pretty good. I noticed that I was spotting bright red blood but only a tiny bit so I google and find that it shouldn’t be an issue so I decide not to worry about. Staying off my feet today hasn’t been easy. Starting last night I woke up like 5 times to use the bathroom. I finally got out of bed at 6:00am to start my day. I noticed our flood light was on so I had to walk down to the basement to turn it off. Then i needed to get a binder out of my car because I have to take a test for work and wanted to review the information. I decided after carrying it up half the steps that it probably isn’t the best idea as I am not sure how heavy it is and I am not supposed to lift anything over 20lbs. Then I came up with the bright idea of going to the motor vehicle because I still haven’t changed my name from our wedding on July 4th. I thought if I can get there early enough I won’t have a line and will be in and out. So I get dressed and put on make up(while sitting down) because I have to retake my picture and head it the door. The line is enormous!! So I don’t even get out of the car. I come home and say to myself what are you doing!!! Sit down. And as I sit here I find myself wanting to get up again. From reading on google there isn’t much proof about resting as in a normal pregnancy you don’t even know that it is occurring. But I am determine to stay off my feet. I have a few visitors coming by today. My Aly and my Wendita aka Wendy. Wendy will be cooking for me tonight I can’t wait! Just for the record TV sucks and I hardly watch it anyways. I don’t have a laptop, and I don’t have a book to read so needless to say its gonna be a long day. No more waking around. I’m off my feet!!

i + i = transfer

Today was the day of the transfer. I pulled my word of the day, synthesis. I think that is a perfect word for today’s event. My bladder was super full. I was so afraid I wouldn’t have enough liquid in there that I drank like 4 glasses of water. They let me let some out before I went in. We meet with the doctor and he tells us we have two blastocysts that have responded very well. Then he adds “there is a very good chance you will have twins. Is this ok?” Yessss!! Phil looks like he is going to pass out. There is also one more embryo that is maturing well so we may be able to freeze it. They will let us know later in the week.

They bring me into the surgery room and tilt me back on this bed and do an ultrasound. Yup my bladder is really full and apparently my ovaries are still super swollen. She says no exercise for you until your pregnancy test on October 10th.

It’s time for the transfer.

. The say this is like having a Pap smear but they lie. I jump from the catheter crossing though my cervix. It takes a few minutes. I’m breathing super shallow but deep kind of meditative breathing. When they pull that out WOW. I wanted to cry.

My bladder was so full. Yes I used the be pan. I couldn’t wait. The nurse helps me onto a recovery bed and wheels me out to the recovery room. Phil is there. A few tears fall from my eyes. Now we wait 30 minutes before I get dressed an head home.

Phil is making me pancakes. This is huge as he doesn’t cook. They are the best pancakes in have ever had.

i + i = agony

Agony that is the word that I will use to describe the after effects of the Progesterone in Oil shots.  My ass is really super sore.  The first night I acted like a complete baby but I am a pro now that I am going onto day 4.  Only day 4!  From what I am reading it is my understanding that these shots will go on and on and on.  Its more like torture.  The shot it self doesn’t really hurt, i numb it with ice first.  Then I take a hot compress and keep the area warm for about ten minutes.  If my ass feels like this now I can’t imagine what is will feel like 10 days from now, or weeks from now. Ugghhhh.  How will I exercise when I feel like I have already done a billion squats.  Did I mention that my attitude is getting a little edgy?  Or that my sleep is becoming limited?  I guess this is just a pre test for when I am actually pregnant.

I was on stand by yesterday morning for my transfer.  The nurse was scheduled to call at 9:00 am .  It is funny how my disease of addiction can play tricks on me.  As I am reading through the list of things to do on the day of transfer there is a line that says, take valium 1 hour before your arrive.  Hummm I don’t recall getting a valium.  So I walk down the hall to my box of drugs (yes a box) and look through it very carefully.  I think maybe they forgot to tell me.  My nurse calls and she tells me the transfer will not be until Monday at 10:30, a day 5 transfer and to arrive at 10:00am with a full bladder.  I ask her about the valium, and she explains they don’t do that anymore.  My mind says, well there goes that freebee.  So I decide I have to get to my meeting that I normally go to.  Instantly I am back in my old behavior of anxiety.  I change like 3 times, and head out the door.  I really need to be there even if I get there for the last 15 minutes.   I am the last person to share, a much needed hey I am here and I still need to be here.  Love those people, can’t do this alone at all!  I am so grateful that I know that today.

We went to visit my family yesterday.  I love them with all of my heart.  My parents, my grandmother, my sister, 3 of her children, my aunt and then 3 other aunts & an uncle that stopped by.  There is never a dull moment, and always great conversation and laughs. My father, and step son were a party to my agony of an injection.  My mother couldn’t watch.  They found it rather amusing, at least my father did.  My step son thinks its kind of funny too!  Ha ha I am so not laughing.    Then Phil makes a funny, and reminds me that his family has twins in it.  Yeah twins.  So what does this mean?  I could have up to 4 children in my belly.  What are the chances of that? Like 1 in a trillion?

We found our new puppy, she is 1 years old and will be traveling from Texas.  She is a yellow lab.  We will keep our fingers crossed that she and our Shadow get along. We are very excited to add her to our ever growing family.

Wish me luck tomorrow.

~ Jessica (painful)