i + i = faith

It has been a while since I have put my fingers to the keys.  I have had life coming at my left and right.  It’s life on life’s terms, not on Jessica’s terms.  Since I last wrote I lost a friend, he passed away at home.  He wasn’t just a friend he was my hairstylist.  I know in my last post I put that I hated my hair but the truth was that I actually began to love it.  He was a talented and gifted person, and he lost his life too soon.  Nobody really knows the reason, but my assumption is that it was related to the disease of addiction in some way.  And the most tragic but not tragic was the death of my grandmother on January 5th, Valentina Antoinette (Pannoni) McGrail.  The most loving, caring, kind, compassionate person that I have ever known.  She lived a long life, she was 96.

So just in case you missed it, I lost the baby in October, lost a friend in December and lost my Grandmother in January.  On top of it Phil is doing his interferon and while  I love him, it is a difficult process to go through, as it is having an effect on his mood.  Lots of stress in the Dunn home, trying to adjust to the ups and downs, both of us.  In addition to all of this our puppy, while cute and cuddly, continues to pee in the house.

My new thing is asking myself, what would Valentina do?  The reason for this is because my faith had been waning and with the passing of my grandmother all of the signs that a higher power is working in my life were present.  She is with me and I know this now.  That whole come to believe thing well it has finally happened for me.I believe, I really do believe.

During the last conversation I had with my grandmother, where she was actually able to talk, because the day she died I did the talking and she the listening, she asked me when Phil & I would be trying for a baby again.  I let her know in March or April we would try again.  And that is exactly what we are going to do.  Although I have fears of not being a good enough mother, or afraid that it won’t work and I will be led down the disappointment road again, I ask myself what would Valentina do? And what I come up with is she wouldn’t give up.  She never gave up.  Even in her darkest hour she never shed a tear, she never complained and she always asked how everyone else was.  She was so selfless.  That is the type of person I want to be.

Today I am heading back to Weight Watchers to find out my fate.  I am sure that I will be a paying customer again.  A friend of mine says that we “eat our feelings”.  Well I am not willing to keep eating, so I have to get on that scale and face my reality because that is what Valentina would do!

~ Jessica (restart)

i + i = 9 weeks

Well I’m into my 9th week of treatment for my Hepatitis “C” and I have received a Christmas Blessing. My blood results have come back and my viral load is currently undetectable. What a gift that I have received. This treatment so far has been up and down. I have experienced some flu like symptoms of body aches and fever, I have had alot of headaches and some nausea in which they gave me medicine for. I have been extremely run down and tired. That has probably been the worst side affect of them all. Overall it has not been to bad. My problem has been to slow down and take some time to relax. I have alot of commitments in my recovery and I still work 10 hours plus each day. It has been taking its toll on me. I did have between Christmas and New Years off and found time to catch up on rest although I also noticed that I felt the side affects more when I wasn’t as active. Overall I am extremely grateful for the opportunity to go through this experience and to hopefully after 13 years of living with this virus be done with it. More will be revealed and it is still too soon to tell. I have to continue my treatment for 4 more months and have check ups for up to a year before knowing whether it is gone or not. I am remaining positive that it will be successful.

~ Phil

i + i = Week Three

Well I started week 3 and last week didn’t go as well as the week before. On Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and part of Wednesday I felt like I had flu like symptoms. My whole body ached, I had bad headaches and very little energy. The loss of energy comes out of nowhere. It’s like the wind is taken from my sails. I had some sores in my mouth that have gone away.
Week 3 started off good until Sunday at around 12 noon. Lost my energy and started to feel an ache in my ribs and back. Hard to breath. Overall I’m doing good. Some people have related the symptoms they felt as feeling dope sick. I have to tell you….. I would take these side affects over being dope sick any day. I am still very blessed.
Went for blood work on Saturday and have an appt. today for the results. We will see.

~ Phil

i + i = The day has come, Finally!

Well yesterday was the start of the treatment. I started my Ribavirin in the morning with my breakfast. A few hours after the first dose I started to feel the affects of the medication. My skin started to feel tight and then my face became hot and red. It felt like a burning feeling from a rash. I did my first injection last night before bed. It went well and I went to bed shortly after. I slept very well and woke up to my surprise not feeling all that bad. I had a headache but that was it. Throughout the day today I haven’t really felt that bad. I have been drinking water and switching between ibuprofen and Tylenol every 4 hours to offset the side affects. More will be revealed.

~ Phil

i + i = Pregnant

Well the results are in and Jessica is pregnant. It’s really starting to sink in that there could be a possibility for twins. Honestly that makes me very nervous. I know in my heart though that God is in control and he will not give us more than we can handle. I just worry financially that we will make ends meet. One child is one thing, 2 is a whole other ballpark. I’m hoping for a little Girl, although I would be happy with either. That all I can pray for is that the baby is healthy.
We also have a new addition to our family coming on Saturday. She is a yellow lab which we are naming Sunny. Not sure how I really feal about the name. I’m sure it will grow on me. She is on a three day journey from Texas.
So yesterday I had my appointment at my doctors for a follow up of some blood work that she wanted me to get done for my Hepatitis C. The results came back just like I thought they would. My Viral Load went up from 16 Million to 21 million. I could tell because I have been getting increasingly tired. My body is working harder to try and fight of the disease. So I talked with my doctor and will be start treatment of Interferon and Ribavirin. She ordered the medication yesterday that should be delivered in 2 weeks. So the journey begins. What a big day yesterday turned out to be.
I love my wife. She has been so strong through this all. More will be revealed.

~ Phil

i + i = Relief

I can breath again, went well. We decided to move to the back of her arm. No pain inflicted. What a relief. I had some worries about having to be around syringes due to my past being a recovering intravenous drug user. I don’t think of it the same as before. It’s not as bad as I thought it would be. I have a strong program of recovery, deeply involved in service and an incredible life beyond my wildest dreams. I’m going to be embarking on a journey myself with the consequences of my addiction…. Hepatitis “C”. I am going to be starting treatment with Interferon and Ribavirin for my Type 2 Hepatitis. I will have to be giving myself injections and thought that it would be a trigger. Time will tell and I don’t want to project. I have a healthy fear. I love being apart of my recovery community, a respectable, responsible and productive member of society. The stigma that I believed for your of once and addict always an addict is a lie. We do recover!!! Thank God.

~ Phil

i + i = First appointment

So here I go to my first appointment.  Down the hall to the room.  Why is it always cold in those rooms.  I should have brought socks.  Waiting for a doctor, well I am sure everyone knows how that goes.  15 minutes later sitting have dressed on a table.  Everything looks good, both ovaries are ready to go.  She says they look healthy, no cysts.   Thank heavens she was friendly.  I had never met her before, can’t recall her name.  I have a feeling I will be meeting a number of different faces through this journey.

Now on to the next room.  It’s like you are a piece of meat, just a number to them I suppose.  Now I meet with the nurse.  More paperwork.  I was just informed that I can start my Follistim at 225 units.  Phil, my husband, and I have decided that we will be doing these shots at 10 PM.  It is the only time that we actually see each other consistently.  We live busy lives.  And then more questions, have I ever miscarried?  Yes I have, once that I know of, November 2009, day before Thanksgiving.  Was probably a blessing in disguise…more on this later.

Now to the receptionist for payment, and next appointments.  I have to get more blood work on Sunday, and then blood and ultrasound on Tuesday.  It is going to be a challenging month!  And then blood work.  Tasha was my phlebotomist name, she was very polite but a little rough.  I am bruising up already.

As I headed to the elevator I started to tear up.  Why?  I really don’t know.  Maybe it is because I know that the last 6 months, of waiting for this day to come has finally arrived.  6 months of planning. Planning around our wedding, a busines trip, and vacation.  Planning around Phil’s impedning Intereron Treatment.  Planning that I won’t deliver prior to have short term disability in place for 10 months so I can actually get paid.  Planning a change in health insurance right in the middle of this already stressful process.  It all came to me in that moment.  All that planning and now I have HOPE.  Hope that it will work the first time.  Sending out positive energy to the Universe!  Because if it doesn’t, welll…more on that later.

And now I arrived at work, and need to head home at lunch (25 minutes there and 25 minutes back = just about an hours time) to let out my dog who is being dragged through the stress that we are.  We live 45 minutes away from the fertility clinic, so he is being left alone longer than usual.  Poor Sharow, he probably has to use the woods.

First shot tonight!  I let you know how it goes.

~ Jessica (wishing)

i + i = The journey begins

This morning came quickly. It felt like I didn’t sleep very much but yet I was wide awake ready to start probably the second most frightening thing in my adult life. I’ll get to the first thing at another time. I had my usual coffee, delivery by my husband & a happy greeting from our dog.
As I set out in my car I realized that I’m driving to do something that morally I once thought wasn’t right. I decided I should put on some meditative music on my pandora. I choose Deepak Chopra radio. I need to relax. I don’t need to be thinking about morals right now. I pull one of my Angel cards. The word is LIGHT, which I find to be no coincidence as the song that is playing is repeating nam myoho renge kyo. I look around its dusk and life and light are beginning to come across the trees as the morning fog escapes the mountains. What a beautiful display of of our universe.
As I drive I think will I be a good mother. Will my child become the person I once was. Will this In Vitro Fertilization thing work. And again I pause and breath. This is not how I should be starting off this journey. I call my husband. He doesn’t answer. I begin to feel my anxiety. He texts me this “I love you boo, good luck at the doctors. I’m there with you in spirit.” he texts again “Sorry boo, alot of problems left over from yesterday.” I pull into the clinic parking lot thinking where is he when I need him and my phone rings. It’s him. He says “sorry boo, nothing is as important as you are.”
I arrive early as I have to try and get an ultrasound & blood work. They call this the baseline. Don’t understand what that is yet but we will see. There is a lot to learn.
I’m sitting here now and so far there are 6 women all at different places on this journey. This is comforting because I know that I am not alone in this strange new unnatural not how nature intended it to be baby making journey.
~ Jessica (hoping)