i + i = Agony

Agony is the only word that comes to mind the past two days. Think about the worst period cramps you have ever had then add 10. That’s what I have been feeling. Takes my breath away. Let’s rewind for a moment. On Tuesday I had my mother flushed my pain medication. It was beginning to mess with my mind. I started thinking I needed it and obsessing over it. With my history and some discussion with my network it was decided that I should get rid of it. I’ve come way to far to go back. So back to today. I really really could have used that medication. I spoke with my nurse Debbie at around 11:00 am to discuss this big clump of what I can only guess was my uterine lining that fell out while I was in the shower. She confirmed that is what it probably was. This occurred 2 other times throughout the day. As I laid I the couch debilitated I picked up the phone again at 3:00 pm. I again spoke with Debbie explaining the pain that I was in for the past day and a half. She said “you never mentioned that to me before”. She placed me on hold and came back. I need to arrive at 9:00am for a check up with my doctor. First I need to get blood work in the first floor not second like usual. Hummm? So just for safety I will not eat or drink anything. I pray that nothing is wrong but just in case I don’t want to wait 8 hours to have anesthesia like I did last week. So when 9:00am hits pleas say a prayer for me. Tomorrow is the day that Phil starts his interferon and I am supposed to be going home to take care of him this weekend. I need my health.

Jessica (cramping)

i + i = Helpless

This has been really tough on the both of us. I feel helpless when it comes to Jessica. I want to take the pain from her. When we found out the news that we will be losing the baby, she tried to stay strong by couldn’t hold back the emotions. I held her in my arms to comfort her. We headed to the hospital to await surgery. I tried my best to stay with her. I was up since 2:30 in the morning and couldn’t stay awake. I don’t know what it is about me but I don’t feel traumatic things right away. When I woke up at home the next day is when the pain set in and I began to cry.
Jessica is such a strong women and I love her for that. I look up to her in many ways.
So I have been experiencing some pain and discomfort myself. It started a month or so ago with tendinitis in my right elbow. Then with last Thursday waking up with lower back ache. I brushed it off as I slept wrong. Over the weekend I realized that it was more than that. The pain has been getting increasingly worse. It feels like a pinched nerve. I say that because if I stretch my arms over my head the pain subsides. Last night was the worst. I could not get comfortable. I tossed and turned. I woke this morning with back and hip pain. I’m now sitting at the walk in clinic waiting to be seen.
On top of everything that has transpired, I will be starting my treatment of interferon and Ribavirin this Friday for my Hepatitis C. I have an appointment with my doctor for the first injection at 4. My wife will be accompanying me to the appointment. The journey is about to begin. I’m nervous yet excited at the same time. I have been waiting a long time to start this. It’s finally here.

~ Phil

i + i = did it

I’m sitting on my heating pad.  I finally gave myself my own POI (progesterone shot).  It is kind of funny because I have been so terrified to do it and oddly enough it didn’t hurt at all.  True to fashion I made a mountain out of a mole hill.  I took a deep breath with a dart like motion stabbed my right cheek, well kind of, and then pulled it out.  What??!!  Really??!!  So because I pulled it out I had to stab it all over again. Pushing down the plunger is kind of hard when you are reaching behind but I did it!

Between being sick with this killer cold, Phil being away on business and the new puppy, I am completely exhausted.  The puppy whom by the said was around a year old has got to only be about 10 months, she is a true puppy through and through.  Chewing on everything in site and she is not potty trained or leash trained.  She does however sit!!  Why we thought getting a new dog on top of doing IVF, being pregnant and Phil beginning is Interferon, was a good idea is beyond me!  Think things through??  Why in the world would we do that?

So I have been managing eating really well.  I’m adding more fruits and veggies by starting my day with a green juice!  Yummo, and then having an omelet with cheddar, peppers and mushrooms with two slices of whole wheat bread.   Then I am making sure to have at least 2 more fruits and veggies during the day, with an additional dairy (yogurt, cheese or glass of milk).  I have almost eliminated all caffeine, except for my small cup in the morning.  I have been trying to have a salad with dinner, and some sweet potatoes and broccoli.  My baby (babies?) is what I eat, so I better eat well.  I am also making sure that I am taking in enough water as this is essential for growth!  Now if I can just find time to get my exercise back into my life!  This is super important.  Tomorrow I will start walking after work.  It has just been so difficult because my health has had one obstacle after another.

More blood work Friday and Oct 31st cannot come fast enough!  I want to see that little itty bitty baby (babies).

Jessica (sleepwalking)

 

i + i = electrolytes and blood pressure

My visit to the doctor yesterday went well.  They ran a series of blood pressure test on me; one lying down, one sitting and one standing.  They all came back the same.  Of course they did…because the episode was over, it happened like 3 hours earlier!

I met with the doctor, and she checked my heart, and abdomen.  Everything looks good.  Conclusion, electrolytes are low and blood pressure dropped.  So I am required to drink one Gatorade a day.  My initial response was “there is so much sugar in Gatorade!, its empty calories!”  She was like “you are not leaving here until you promise to drink at least one bottle a day”.  Ok ok, its for the babies!  I will of course do it.  I also have to be mindful of standing up slowly so it doesn’t happen again.

I have been noticing that I am slowly gaining weight and I am not even pregos yet!  My belly is big and I am so not feeling good.  I can’t exercise and I am trying to be as healthy as possible.  Everything I put in my mouth I think, is this good for the babies.  I keep saying babies because I am really hoping for twins.  Don’t tell Phil though!

Still doing progesterone in oil shots, counting the days until that is OVER! Today I feel good except for the noisy maintenance men who are invading my serenity.  Noise doesn’t mix well with me when I am working.

Someone lost their life to cancer today.  Just in case you didn’t get the memo, Cancer SUCKS!  I spoke out to my dear friend who lost her battle with Cancer and asked for her to please guide Jenn and make her comfortable!  We are never alone no matter what journey we are on.

~ Jessica (perspective)

~

 

i + i = on the floor

Well I was thrilled that I had slept through the night. I got up with Phil at 4:30 to take my thyroid medication and to use the bathroom and then back to bed I went. At 6:30 I decide I should get up and ready for work. I strolled over to the closet opened the door and whoosh it hit me like a bat out of hell, dizziness, nausea to the point of near vomiting, heart racing and hot flash. I went down to the floor laid on my side and starting breathing. O shit where is my phone I thought. What is this that is happening. I slowly got up and got my phone on the dresser still not feeling right and walked with my hand on the wall to the bathroom. I again went on the floor. Deep breathing and sweating. I called Phil to let him know something is wrong. What is this? Uncalled the fertility hotline and spoke to the doctor on call. She said its probably my blood pressure dropping. I don’t know. I have had that blight headed feeling from standing up to quickly before and this was that times ten an then some. So now I’m at the doctor office waiting to be seen. We will see. I tell you what I won’t be standing up quickly anymore. That scared that crap out of me. No bueno!

i + i = feet up

Yesterday I found it simple to put me feet up on the couch and tell Phil what to do. Minus having to use the bathroom a million times I did pretty good. I noticed that I was spotting bright red blood but only a tiny bit so I google and find that it shouldn’t be an issue so I decide not to worry about. Staying off my feet today hasn’t been easy. Starting last night I woke up like 5 times to use the bathroom. I finally got out of bed at 6:00am to start my day. I noticed our flood light was on so I had to walk down to the basement to turn it off. Then i needed to get a binder out of my car because I have to take a test for work and wanted to review the information. I decided after carrying it up half the steps that it probably isn’t the best idea as I am not sure how heavy it is and I am not supposed to lift anything over 20lbs. Then I came up with the bright idea of going to the motor vehicle because I still haven’t changed my name from our wedding on July 4th. I thought if I can get there early enough I won’t have a line and will be in and out. So I get dressed and put on make up(while sitting down) because I have to retake my picture and head it the door. The line is enormous!! So I don’t even get out of the car. I come home and say to myself what are you doing!!! Sit down. And as I sit here I find myself wanting to get up again. From reading on google there isn’t much proof about resting as in a normal pregnancy you don’t even know that it is occurring. But I am determine to stay off my feet. I have a few visitors coming by today. My Aly and my Wendita aka Wendy. Wendy will be cooking for me tonight I can’t wait! Just for the record TV sucks and I hardly watch it anyways. I don’t have a laptop, and I don’t have a book to read so needless to say its gonna be a long day. No more waking around. I’m off my feet!!

i + i = transfer

Today was the day of the transfer. I pulled my word of the day, synthesis. I think that is a perfect word for today’s event. My bladder was super full. I was so afraid I wouldn’t have enough liquid in there that I drank like 4 glasses of water. They let me let some out before I went in. We meet with the doctor and he tells us we have two blastocysts that have responded very well. Then he adds “there is a very good chance you will have twins. Is this ok?” Yessss!! Phil looks like he is going to pass out. There is also one more embryo that is maturing well so we may be able to freeze it. They will let us know later in the week.

They bring me into the surgery room and tilt me back on this bed and do an ultrasound. Yup my bladder is really full and apparently my ovaries are still super swollen. She says no exercise for you until your pregnancy test on October 10th.

It’s time for the transfer.

. The say this is like having a Pap smear but they lie. I jump from the catheter crossing though my cervix. It takes a few minutes. I’m breathing super shallow but deep kind of meditative breathing. When they pull that out WOW. I wanted to cry.

My bladder was so full. Yes I used the be pan. I couldn’t wait. The nurse helps me onto a recovery bed and wheels me out to the recovery room. Phil is there. A few tears fall from my eyes. Now we wait 30 minutes before I get dressed an head home.

Phil is making me pancakes. This is huge as he doesn’t cook. They are the best pancakes in have ever had.

i + i = agony

Agony that is the word that I will use to describe the after effects of the Progesterone in Oil shots.  My ass is really super sore.  The first night I acted like a complete baby but I am a pro now that I am going onto day 4.  Only day 4!  From what I am reading it is my understanding that these shots will go on and on and on.  Its more like torture.  The shot it self doesn’t really hurt, i numb it with ice first.  Then I take a hot compress and keep the area warm for about ten minutes.  If my ass feels like this now I can’t imagine what is will feel like 10 days from now, or weeks from now. Ugghhhh.  How will I exercise when I feel like I have already done a billion squats.  Did I mention that my attitude is getting a little edgy?  Or that my sleep is becoming limited?  I guess this is just a pre test for when I am actually pregnant.

I was on stand by yesterday morning for my transfer.  The nurse was scheduled to call at 9:00 am .  It is funny how my disease of addiction can play tricks on me.  As I am reading through the list of things to do on the day of transfer there is a line that says, take valium 1 hour before your arrive.  Hummm I don’t recall getting a valium.  So I walk down the hall to my box of drugs (yes a box) and look through it very carefully.  I think maybe they forgot to tell me.  My nurse calls and she tells me the transfer will not be until Monday at 10:30, a day 5 transfer and to arrive at 10:00am with a full bladder.  I ask her about the valium, and she explains they don’t do that anymore.  My mind says, well there goes that freebee.  So I decide I have to get to my meeting that I normally go to.  Instantly I am back in my old behavior of anxiety.  I change like 3 times, and head out the door.  I really need to be there even if I get there for the last 15 minutes.   I am the last person to share, a much needed hey I am here and I still need to be here.  Love those people, can’t do this alone at all!  I am so grateful that I know that today.

We went to visit my family yesterday.  I love them with all of my heart.  My parents, my grandmother, my sister, 3 of her children, my aunt and then 3 other aunts & an uncle that stopped by.  There is never a dull moment, and always great conversation and laughs. My father, and step son were a party to my agony of an injection.  My mother couldn’t watch.  They found it rather amusing, at least my father did.  My step son thinks its kind of funny too!  Ha ha I am so not laughing.    Then Phil makes a funny, and reminds me that his family has twins in it.  Yeah twins.  So what does this mean?  I could have up to 4 children in my belly.  What are the chances of that? Like 1 in a trillion?

We found our new puppy, she is 1 years old and will be traveling from Texas.  She is a yellow lab.  We will keep our fingers crossed that she and our Shadow get along. We are very excited to add her to our ever growing family.

Wish me luck tomorrow.

~ Jessica (painful)

i + i = bruising

It has been an uncomfortable few days.  Since the retrieval on Wednesday my belly has been aching, and sometimes I think it even has a pulse.  I think I am bruise inside!  I went to work yesterday, not a good idea.  I was soooo uncomfortable.  I left 2 hours early to go sit on the couch with my dog with my feet up.  In addition to them pocking and prodding your ovaries they give you a steroid called Medrol to take that makes you feel like you have to pee every 5 minutes.  A constant pressure!  I read the side effects on this and I think to myself is this really necessary?

The nurse called and out of the 13 eggs, 9 were viable, and 6 are ready to go!!!  If the transfer is on Saturday then I will need to be there by 10:30 for an 11:00 transfer.  Out of the 6, 2 will be transferred and the remainder will be frozen.  Phil will also be providing another sample to be frozen as precaution so that he can begin his Interferon.  He has an appointment coming up and wants to begin his treatment.

Last night was our first night with the Progesterone.  We did the right side.  This is an intramuscular injection.  Needless to say I act like a complete baby!  I threw a temper tantrum and even jabbed at Phil for not have good sperm!  So not right.  It isn’t just his fault because I have an undetermined cause to why I can’t get pregnant.  After about 4.5 minutes I let him do it.  I numbed the site with ice first (my friend Eliza taught me that).  And tell you the truth I barely even felt it.  So as usual I was project this terrible experience and for nothing at all.  Phil massage the area afterwards and I placed a hot compress on it for about 5 minutes and walked around for a little while to keep my muscle active.

I woke up this morning and my belly felt better but my ass feels like I just did like 1000 squats and it has a bruise below the injection site.  O the joys of IVF.

~ Jessica (determined)

i + i = follie day

I woke up super early. I was ready to have this procedure. How many follies will they collect?

Phil went to work at 12:00 AM because he is insane and wanted to be sure he got paid. I took a shower, plate with the dog and waited. I had to be sure I had no perfume, lotion, jewelry, nail polish, and make up on. I dressed comfy. We left the house at 6:30 AM, it’s a 40 minute drive and I have this thing with being late. I would rather be early than late. We got there at 7:15. Now we wait.
They called my name and brought me to a part of the office I didn’t even know existed. I changed into that fashionable gown and those gripped socks. The nurse was super sweet. I was told to empty my bladder so they don’t have to place a catheter in me while I’m under. Yikes! I immediately complied. I met the anesthesiologist. He asked me some questions. He asks about my teeth if they are chipped, cracked, loose and I ask why and he say just in case I have to help you breath. I say lets hope not! It was time to prep my arm. Another nurse popped around the curtain to distract me as he placed a plastic tube into my right arms vein. Uncomfortable and weird feeling.
It’s time. The surgeon came and met with me just to say high and tell me what they would be doing.
And I’m up and on to the table, legs in the stirrups. The anesthesiologist says I’m gonna give you something that will make you tired and boom the last think I recall is a bumper sticker in the ceiling that says BREATH.
Next thing I know the nurse is saying my name. I’m on a gurney in a different room and she asks how I’m feeling. Phil appears and I tear up as soon as I see him. The nurse tell us we have 13 follicles!! She says the ladies in the waiting room would be love to have that many. Then the fire alarm starts going off. Really??? They need to evacuate. I’m up getting dressed getting wheeled out. It’s a good thing I was still out of it.
We stopped to eat because I’m starving (against nurses orders) but I love breakfast and its way past my eating time. I have been laying around all day. I feel pretty good. Phil’s been helpful and has stayed with me all day. He’s making me pizza right now!
Now we wait. Either Saturday or Monday will be the transfer date.
~ Jessica (relaxing)