i + i = uncertain

I hadn’t hear back from the nurse today.  I waited until 3:00 before I called and left a message.  I was waiting to find out what the next steps were, if I needed to take the Ganirelix (<—video information here).   The nurse called back.  I was in the middle of a meeting with one of our directors and my co-worker/friend.  I excuse myself and the nurse starts giving me the protocol to follow for the next few days.  She asks “have you taken the Ganirelix?”  I explained how I was told to wait until I received a call.  I need to take it and then continue with my Follistim, then come into the office Saturday morning for an ultrasound and blood work.  Inside I am in full panic mode, as this means I have to try and give myself the shot.  As I am thinking about what I need to do she says “jessica, you need to talk to your ovaries tonight and tell them to start working, we need at least 4 follicles to continue with this cycle, do you understand?”.  WHAT!!!  Oh know, I am so worried now.  Not work??!!  What does this mean?  I thought the doctor this morning told me that I had 4 that were over 10mm.

So I hang up the phone. I immediately return to my co-worker & friend for nearly 25 years.  I am freaking out, how will I stick this needle in my belly.  We go to my office and I am shaking, I try.  I take a breath aim, and NOTHING…I can’t do it.  I can inflict physical pain on myself.  She goes to try and she can’t either.  She is nervous, so after about 5 minutes of this back and forth I pick up the phone and contact a fellow co-worker who has been through IVF.  I drive to her office and she is already waiting with gloves and a alcohol wipe. I lift my shirt, she aims, pinch and a sting…DONE!  That’s it?  That’s all?  I immediately start to get red around the area and a little bit of an itch but it didn’t hurt at all.

Now back to the fact that I have to make sure that my follicles are working.  I have not control over this.  It is the uncertainty that causes me fear.  If this doesn’t work we need to start over again.  This means that Phil will have to wait to start his Interferon for his Hep C.  The medication he needs to take causes birth defects.  I hate being uncertain.  Its that icky feeling in your heart, and your belly that makes you nervous, anxious and ridden with a anxiety.  So I do what I have been taught.  I send out a mass text message to some of my girls asking for prayers and positive energy.  They of course never fail me and respond.  I have cheerleaders!  It’s an amazing feeling.

Phil & I are moving forward with injections in my STOMACH.  He rubbed my belly last night for good luck!  This mornings injection went well.  I played with my Shadow this morning and took him for ride in the car.  Poor little guy, he has no idea how his life is going to change.  I hope we can find another lab or golden soon.  He needs a companion, we need a companion for him.  I never want him to feel like he is being 2nd choice!

~ Jessica (positivity)

i + i = growing

Delayed response.  That is what my doctor is saying is occurring in my ovaries. This is my second ultrasound since the baseline and my follicles are growing slowly.  They range they are aiming for is 10 MM to start the Ganirelix.We discussed the Follistim shots and how I am doing them in the back of the arm.  She said it was ok, but hesitated about it.   I asked if it is better to them in my belly?   She said well you don’t have to.  Well guess what??!  This girl is going for the belly.  I want this to work.  If doing it in the belly is going to make those follies grow then I have to suck it up and do it!  I can’t start my Ganirelix yet.  I have to wait for the doctor to review my ultrasound& blood work.  My estrogen levels are at 100 and this apparently is a good thing.

(my 2nd ultrasound results here)

The doctor can tell that I am worried and reassures me that it everything is progressing and not to worry.  She says “come on, let’s hug it out” and she puts her arms out and waves me in and gives me a big (((hug))).

I hope that my follicles start responding better to the medication.  I really want this to work. I will practice patience today.

Jessica (faith)

i + i = onward

My appointment went well. I have a the beginnings of some tiny little follies AKA follicles.  I went through my list of questions.  The doctor was very nice. This being my first go around and HOPEFULLY my only round, I am just drowning in a sea of information.  Going along for the ride without really knowing if I trust in the process.  Not trust in the sense of they don’t know what they are doing but trust in that it just all seems so foreign.  I know that the first baby born through IVF was in 1978’s, Louise Joy Brown (see video of birth).  Research regarding conception has been happening since the 1800’s.  If you interested see the Test Tube Baby Timeline.   Since then they have obviously progressed leaps and bounds.  I still worry about birth defects in relation to IVF but Louise Joy Brown (picture now) was healthy and she even has a family of her own. Birth defects happen right?  So why should I be worrying about that!!?

Onward, onward we go.  My nurse called and said to continue with the Follistim Pen (see video on how it works) at 300 units for the next 2 days.  Then another ultrasound & blood work on Thursday and bring my Ganirelix.  I left Phil know the plan and he is so relieved.  We were both worried and for no reason of course!

Tonight I will be surround by women who love and care about my well being. I can’t wait!  I need them too. So much to talk about.