i + i = beginnings

It’s been months since I’ve written. I was in a dark, confused, bleak, and lifeless place. You know sometimes when you can’t feel and if you do it’s nothing but negative emotion driving more negative emotion. The place between nothing and existing. I just didn’t care. I just didn’t know what I was doing, what I stood for anymore or even who I was.
When you lose something that has a heartbeat that you never even met or lose a soulmate; I believe my grandmother and I were connect far beyond blood. Our spirits were intertwined. I keep hearing her say to me in her lifeless, breathless conversation on the day before she left her physical body “are you going to try again, I hope you try again”. She was the mother of all mothers. She bore 8 children. How she ever became the most spiritual, calm, loving, non-judge mental human being in the planet is a mystery.
She was born into a strict Italian family. Her mother a raging alcoholic, her father intwined in the mafia. I don’t think my grandfather was into anything major but I do know he had to flee NYC and not return out if fear he would be killed. My grandmother was treated like a slave in her own home. Relatives in Italy and her neighbors didn’t even know she existed. Her mother was controlling, abusive and wicked. During the Great Depression my grandmother worked job the factories through an illness that she in her later life found out was actually tuberculosis. Every penny she made her mother took from her. Which is ironic because my gran other sacrificed her entire life to give to so many. I could write about her forever. The selflessness is endless.
She always had a dream of winning the lottery and the night before she died, as my mother helped her frail, week body to the bathroom, she muttered” I wish I could remember where I put the numbers” my mother realizing what she had said consoled her and said “don’t worry mom. I have the numbers.
You see I want to be as amazing as my grandmother and mother are when I’m a mother. I am fearful that I won’t be. That ill turn out damaging my child beyond repair. I’m also fearful that I won’t carry another child to term or that this last chance at IVF won’t work. The thoughts can paralyze me to the point At times I’m not even sure what I want.
In this moment I am moving forward with preparing for another round of IVF. I met with a naturopathic doctor and will be starting a metabolic detox tomorrow and in 2 weeks will start acupuncture to increase our success rate at conceiving a healthy baby or 2.
From all my drug use and the toxins of our environment I believe this detox is essential to giving us the best chance. I want to feel healthy as well as be healthy. It is the combination of the mind, body and spirit that will get me through this IVF cycle.

~ Jessica (cleansing)

i + i = restored

Since my grandmothers passing I feel my faith has been restored. I was always the one who had no hope, no belief in anything. I always went through life having no certain direction or belief. My belief was nonexistent. It’s easy to be hopeless. Just ignoring the ever present signs that there is more to the universe than “I”. I heard someone say once that “I did not happen to the world, the world happened to me”. That holds true today. See when my grandmother passed for a moment I thought how could this happen to me??! How come I wasn’t there but my sister was?!! I was angry. But then something happened I realized in one moment that its not about me. It is much larger than me. It’s about my mother and father who took care of her for 30 years, it’s about her 8 children, 13 grandchildren and 23 great grandchildren alike. It’s about her friendships and its about get legacy. I have asked myself everyday since she left this earth and entered into the universe as a life energy to protect and guide “what would Valentina do?” And the answer is simple she would love, see beauty bin every creature, she would be kind and patient. She would be all of those spiritual principles that I strive to be on a daily basis.

Ill share with you who she was to me and my family… Her eulogy.

O what a beautiful morning, o what a beautiful day to celebrate the life of a one of a kind woman; Throughout her lifetime she was known as many things, a daughter, sister, wife, cousin, mother, aunt, niece, friend, grandmother and so much more. Anyone who met my grandmother knew that she was something special. To me she was beautiful, the kind of beauty that radiated from the inside out. Just as most of you, I enjoyed sitting with her and listening to her tell stories about her legacy. So, for a moment imagine yourself sitting down around the dining room table with her. Her asking you if you are hungry, and even if you aren’t, just to make her happy you grab a cup of coffee or tea, and begin to nibble on something sweet. This is the journey through her amazing life. She was born on January 23, 1916 in Fall River MA. She was one of 5 children, brought up in a home of modest beginnings. I believe that her early life shaped her, and created the unselfish person she became. She began working in factories at the tender age of 14. She made shoes, bullet dyes, and did her part during the war. She made a point to write letters each and every day to her brothers that were serving during World War 2. No matter what she did she always gave her heart and soul. She could stop traffic with her incredible legs, and became a pin up girl so to speak at her job at the Eyelet specialty. She met the love of her life when she went down flint for a dime and stopped into a little pub for a drink. Peter McGrail asked her out to the movies that day. He wooed her from the very start, showering her with gifts of perfume. They went on only one date before he left for the war and when he returned at Christmas 1944 he proposed to her and they were married on February 5, 1945. This is when her life truly began. She had 8 children whom she adored, and treated equally, never playing favorite. She made sure that all of their basic needs were met. She placed their well-being before her own. Even though they had little she never complained. Her home became the hub of the neighborhood. All of her children’s friends couldn’t wait to eat spaghetti dinners, and she accommodated the ever growing crowd. No matter the situation whether it was children falling through the dining room ceiling, attempting to run away, coming through the cinnamon toast line each morning, or covering up disputes between children such as the cashmere sweater incident, her demeanor was always the same, loving, caring, kind and compassionate. No matter the choices you made good and bad she was always supportive. She reassured you in a way that allowed you to make your own decisions and she continued to love you unconditionally and never made you feel like you were a failure. She was a woman of conviction making sure her family was treated respectfully and never felt less than. She had a great understanding that true family was made up of love and not material things. Through her life she had numerous pets and strays that eventually became her pets. She loved all creatures a like. She adored her grandchildren. She always made sure that we were all fed and never hungry. Before school, after school, or taking a dip in her favorite place to be…the pool, we would come inside for some of our favorite treats; silver dollar pancakes with homemade syrup, sauce and bread, and toasted cheese. Her generosity came from her heart, and her words. She taught us all lessons in a way that we could all understand because she did it with love and sincerity. Her lessons will be passed down through the generations. She created the family tradition of Sunday dinner, where we would all gather, eat and play games. Even as our family grew and people moved away, she still remained our matriarch and when she returned she brought us all together time and time again. When you were done eating and getting ready to leave she would always kiss you on the cheek, hug you and tell you that she loved you and to be sure to drive safe. What I will remember most about my grandmother is her smile that could light up a room, her laughter that was contagious, her skin as smooth as silk, her eyes that remained forever childlike and her stories that never ever grew old. We were all blessed to have her as long as we did. During her final days she showed me how strong and courageous she was, she never ever shed a tear. Her only concerns were of others until the end of her
time here on earth. She passed away peacefully just shy of her 97th birthday, at home surrounded by the family that she created. There is no doubt in my mind that she entered through the gates of heaven and returned to the arms of her soul mate and her brood of animals. Tonight and every night for the rest of our lives we can sleep peacefully knowing that we are all still in her ever growing list of prayers, that I am sure without a doubt she is reciting daily. And if we take one thing away from her legacy, let it be that LOVE never fails.
~ I love you grandma and remember you are beautiful!

See this is how I will remember her. Before she died she asked me if phil and i were going to try and have a baby again. She must see in me what I cannot see in myself, that I can be a good mother. She will live on through my mother, through me. This is what I want to teach my child; how to be humble and loving. Just like Valentina.

~ Jessica (transending)

i + i = love

Last night I meet with my ladies!  I love those women.  The honesty that we can share with each other is tremendous.  It is reassuring to know that there is always a place that I fit in, a place that I belong, a place where I am not judged, and a place that I am unconditionally loved for being me.  Listening to other people’s stories really can pull you through the most difficult moments because their experience is also my experience.

I love that there are other people going through the process of IVF.  I have been starting to follow other bloggers that are going through this process. They give me hope and love and I do the same in return.  For instance this fellow blogger has been kind enough to reach out to me and read my blog infertilitydoessuck.wordpress.com.  Sharing our stories with others is therapeutic and for that I am grateful.   Without the women who have been through this before me I would be lost.  Social media is an amazing thing!

I feel good today.  I was spotting a little and was concerned, but dug around the world wide web and that this is common.  I called my nurse and she reassured me.  She will speak to my doctor.  I will be there tomorrow so she is not too concerned.

Pretty uneventful day so far!

~Jessica (calm)