i + i = Agony

Agony is the only word that comes to mind the past two days. Think about the worst period cramps you have ever had then add 10. That’s what I have been feeling. Takes my breath away. Let’s rewind for a moment. On Tuesday I had my mother flushed my pain medication. It was beginning to mess with my mind. I started thinking I needed it and obsessing over it. With my history and some discussion with my network it was decided that I should get rid of it. I’ve come way to far to go back. So back to today. I really really could have used that medication. I spoke with my nurse Debbie at around 11:00 am to discuss this big clump of what I can only guess was my uterine lining that fell out while I was in the shower. She confirmed that is what it probably was. This occurred 2 other times throughout the day. As I laid I the couch debilitated I picked up the phone again at 3:00 pm. I again spoke with Debbie explaining the pain that I was in for the past day and a half. She said “you never mentioned that to me before”. She placed me on hold and came back. I need to arrive at 9:00am for a check up with my doctor. First I need to get blood work in the first floor not second like usual. Hummm? So just for safety I will not eat or drink anything. I pray that nothing is wrong but just in case I don’t want to wait 8 hours to have anesthesia like I did last week. So when 9:00am hits pleas say a prayer for me. Tomorrow is the day that Phil starts his interferon and I am supposed to be going home to take care of him this weekend. I need my health.

Jessica (cramping)

i + i = Helpless

This has been really tough on the both of us. I feel helpless when it comes to Jessica. I want to take the pain from her. When we found out the news that we will be losing the baby, she tried to stay strong by couldn’t hold back the emotions. I held her in my arms to comfort her. We headed to the hospital to await surgery. I tried my best to stay with her. I was up since 2:30 in the morning and couldn’t stay awake. I don’t know what it is about me but I don’t feel traumatic things right away. When I woke up at home the next day is when the pain set in and I began to cry.
Jessica is such a strong women and I love her for that. I look up to her in many ways.
So I have been experiencing some pain and discomfort myself. It started a month or so ago with tendinitis in my right elbow. Then with last Thursday waking up with lower back ache. I brushed it off as I slept wrong. Over the weekend I realized that it was more than that. The pain has been getting increasingly worse. It feels like a pinched nerve. I say that because if I stretch my arms over my head the pain subsides. Last night was the worst. I could not get comfortable. I tossed and turned. I woke this morning with back and hip pain. I’m now sitting at the walk in clinic waiting to be seen.
On top of everything that has transpired, I will be starting my treatment of interferon and Ribavirin this Friday for my Hepatitis C. I have an appointment with my doctor for the first injection at 4. My wife will be accompanying me to the appointment. The journey is about to begin. I’m nervous yet excited at the same time. I have been waiting a long time to start this. It’s finally here.

~ Phil

i + i = blessed

I am happy with my decision to reach out to some really great women before making a decision to take pain medication. I am not a martyr. I needed it by the end of the day especially to sleep. Slowly the gas that they placed in my belly for the surgery is dissipating. I slept really well. Only woke up once at around 4:30 but didn’t dare to move. I waited until 6:30 to rise for the day. Again I won’t be taking anything other than ibuprofen today unless it is absolutely necessary. I woke up super hungry so that is a good sign.
My step son is at our house with the dogs to help take care of them during the storm. Hopefully Phil will get out early and not get stuck in the storm. Im trying to focus on myself. My back is killing me from sleeping on the couch. Maybe tonight ill tackle the stairs so I can sleep in a bed. I have a tremendous amount of gratitude for my family & friends for offering assistance and sending love and well wishes. It helps alleviate that feeling of helplessness. I am lucky to be blessed with good people.

Jessica (healing)

i + i = recovery

Today has not been an easy day. The pain medication was messing with my head. It was saying things like you can take two. The bottle does say take one or two but I really don’t need that many. So today I haven’t taken any and I told my parents to hide them from me. So they did. I may have you take one before bed. I tried to nap but whenever I lay down everything is amplified. The pain gets really uncomfortable.
I had a mental breakdown and hid in the bathroom for a little while and then went and cried on my mothers shoulder. Funny how you never outgrow your mothers love.
The house has been busy today. Just like when I was growing up. Sunday is family day, never less than 10 people for dinner. They all honored around me worried and caring. That how our family operates. We take care of each other. I also reached out to some really important women in my life to share my thoughts so I don’t sit alone with it. Phil visited for a little while too! I was happy to see him. And sad to see him go.
Hope that tomorrow I will feel a little better.
Jessica (uncomfortable)

i + i = surgery

Here I am Oct 27, 2012 in a hospital bed recovering. Things didn’t go as expected. And ectopic pregnancy in my right Fallopian tube. It was obvious something was clearly wrong last weekend when I was in serve unbearable pain. But of course I ignored it and thought it was gas. I mean I have been passing gas & unable to poop for days and days. But in the back of my mind reading about symptoms of ectopic I knew. So my levels were not doubling the had only rose 60%. And my emergency appointment was yesterday when the doctor broke the news. It happened so quickly. I could see the baby and her heartbeat. The only option remove the tube I tries so hard to not cry but lost it. My doctor is do good and says do you need a minute? Thank the universe Phil was with me. So I was admitted immediately and Phil produced a new sample at the office. He is straying interferon next weekend so we need to stock up on some sperm. Off to floor 6 and a long night of waiting for the OR. After 11 hours of waiting the cart me in around 3:00am. Went well. A little out of it do a bit but up this morning and moving around. First time on pain meds and I’m loving That i haven’t needed them so far. That’s a good thing. They a serving there purpose.

Jessica (onward)

i + i = Medication

On Friday I received a call from the Pharmacy that my Interferon and Ribavirin were approved by my insurance. This is good news. The medication will be sent out on Monday and here by Tuesday. I told Jessica that I will be start this coming Friday, I’m just so ready to get this behind me, and she told me that we have plans that weekend to meet with my God Father and God Mother for dinner. So we won’t be able to start on that weekend. I’m excited to have dinner with my aunt and uncle because I burned so many bridges with my family, due to me active addiction, that it has taken seven years for some of them to mend.
So I say that I’m going to start the following Friday which is the 25th I believe, and wouldn’t you know that I have to work, mandatory inventory and I also have Region to attend at 2pm. Well I guess I won’t be starting until November 2nd. I checked the calendar and we are all set. Once the medication gets here I have to call my doctor and set up an appointment. She wants we to do the first shot with her in the office.
So this is it. The time has finally come.

~ Phil

i + i = Pregnant

Well the results are in and Jessica is pregnant. It’s really starting to sink in that there could be a possibility for twins. Honestly that makes me very nervous. I know in my heart though that God is in control and he will not give us more than we can handle. I just worry financially that we will make ends meet. One child is one thing, 2 is a whole other ballpark. I’m hoping for a little Girl, although I would be happy with either. That all I can pray for is that the baby is healthy.
We also have a new addition to our family coming on Saturday. She is a yellow lab which we are naming Sunny. Not sure how I really feal about the name. I’m sure it will grow on me. She is on a three day journey from Texas.
So yesterday I had my appointment at my doctors for a follow up of some blood work that she wanted me to get done for my Hepatitis C. The results came back just like I thought they would. My Viral Load went up from 16 Million to 21 million. I could tell because I have been getting increasingly tired. My body is working harder to try and fight of the disease. So I talked with my doctor and will be start treatment of Interferon and Ribavirin. She ordered the medication yesterday that should be delivered in 2 weeks. So the journey begins. What a big day yesterday turned out to be.
I love my wife. She has been so strong through this all. More will be revealed.

~ Phil

i + i = ups and downs

Well those hormones are sure kicking my ass. One minute I perfectly fine and the next I’m ready to commit murder. I’m sure these ups and downs are just at the beginning especially if I am pregnant. Thursday night I was super snappy at Phil and when he decide to give it back to me I balled my eyes out. We just finished POI (progesterone in oil, I’m starting to get the hang of all these IVF acronyms) and I said can you be nice to me! That’s when the waterfall started. He hugged me and asked why are you crying? I have no idea!! And at work I’m just aggravated with the same things that keep happening over and over. I wonder how one place could be so messed up?!

So we have a mold problem in our home. This problem stems from a water problem we had in the basement. Lots of flooding and a crack in the foundation = problem. Phil an I have been disputing the seriousness of the issue for over a year. I say it’s a problem, he says I’m making into something bigger than it is. We have been up and down and back and forth on this topic. Well we also have some in our attic. Now it has gotten down to the wire because if I am in fact pregnant then I can’t be around toxic black mold. Our unborn children cannot be around toxic black mold.

So needless to say he is now fixing it alone, well without me. We are grateful that one of our friends is helping him. He has a hepa respirator mask, tyvek suit, goggles and Shockwave treatment. You have to take certain precautions so the mold spores don’t travel to other areas of your house. Sealed off rooms, turn off all forced air, open windows and on and on. He starred in the basement last night and yup!! There is is mold behind every wall. So needless to say its gonna be expensive but not as expensive if we had to hire someone.

O the stress. The stress of not being in control. I have no control because I am at my parents with the dog and not able to be around to see the disaster. And the shitty part is that we most likely have to do this again because the basement is gonna take longer then we had expected. So the attic will have to be tackled at a later date. Which by the way is not good because we will have 2 dogs by then. Where will we stay!? Ok stay in the day Jessica. That hasn’t happened yet. One minute at a time. Acceptance, faith and trust.

Talk about trust, my father had to do my PIO last night because Phil wasn’t here. And I was dreaming out but you know what…I didn’t even feel it at all. So my dad is like a professional. I think he was as nervous as I was.

Jessica (balance)

i + i = agony

Agony that is the word that I will use to describe the after effects of the Progesterone in Oil shots.  My ass is really super sore.  The first night I acted like a complete baby but I am a pro now that I am going onto day 4.  Only day 4!  From what I am reading it is my understanding that these shots will go on and on and on.  Its more like torture.  The shot it self doesn’t really hurt, i numb it with ice first.  Then I take a hot compress and keep the area warm for about ten minutes.  If my ass feels like this now I can’t imagine what is will feel like 10 days from now, or weeks from now. Ugghhhh.  How will I exercise when I feel like I have already done a billion squats.  Did I mention that my attitude is getting a little edgy?  Or that my sleep is becoming limited?  I guess this is just a pre test for when I am actually pregnant.

I was on stand by yesterday morning for my transfer.  The nurse was scheduled to call at 9:00 am .  It is funny how my disease of addiction can play tricks on me.  As I am reading through the list of things to do on the day of transfer there is a line that says, take valium 1 hour before your arrive.  Hummm I don’t recall getting a valium.  So I walk down the hall to my box of drugs (yes a box) and look through it very carefully.  I think maybe they forgot to tell me.  My nurse calls and she tells me the transfer will not be until Monday at 10:30, a day 5 transfer and to arrive at 10:00am with a full bladder.  I ask her about the valium, and she explains they don’t do that anymore.  My mind says, well there goes that freebee.  So I decide I have to get to my meeting that I normally go to.  Instantly I am back in my old behavior of anxiety.  I change like 3 times, and head out the door.  I really need to be there even if I get there for the last 15 minutes.   I am the last person to share, a much needed hey I am here and I still need to be here.  Love those people, can’t do this alone at all!  I am so grateful that I know that today.

We went to visit my family yesterday.  I love them with all of my heart.  My parents, my grandmother, my sister, 3 of her children, my aunt and then 3 other aunts & an uncle that stopped by.  There is never a dull moment, and always great conversation and laughs. My father, and step son were a party to my agony of an injection.  My mother couldn’t watch.  They found it rather amusing, at least my father did.  My step son thinks its kind of funny too!  Ha ha I am so not laughing.    Then Phil makes a funny, and reminds me that his family has twins in it.  Yeah twins.  So what does this mean?  I could have up to 4 children in my belly.  What are the chances of that? Like 1 in a trillion?

We found our new puppy, she is 1 years old and will be traveling from Texas.  She is a yellow lab.  We will keep our fingers crossed that she and our Shadow get along. We are very excited to add her to our ever growing family.

Wish me luck tomorrow.

~ Jessica (painful)

i + i = The Big Day

Well I went into work early this morning. I have to make up the hours I’m going to miss tomorrow. We are going to the doctors to collect the eggs and leave a sperm sample. Let me just talk about that for a minute. They lead you down a long hallway to the back of the office. There are a few doors with do not disturb signs on them. You enter a room with a television, DVD player, a counter, soft lighting from a lamp on an end table, a couch with a throw away pad on it and a cabinet with movies and magazines. Now I don’t know about anyone else but this is uncomfortable and the videos are out dated. I guess I’m fortunate that I took the suggestion to stay out of a relationship for my first year of recovery and became very good at pleasing myself. The last time I had to leave a sample, when we first started IVF, I was in the room for about 3 minutes. That’s gotta be some kind of record, right? Well gotta get back to work. TTYS

~ Phil