i + i = faith

It has been a while since I have put my fingers to the keys.  I have had life coming at my left and right.  It’s life on life’s terms, not on Jessica’s terms.  Since I last wrote I lost a friend, he passed away at home.  He wasn’t just a friend he was my hairstylist.  I know in my last post I put that I hated my hair but the truth was that I actually began to love it.  He was a talented and gifted person, and he lost his life too soon.  Nobody really knows the reason, but my assumption is that it was related to the disease of addiction in some way.  And the most tragic but not tragic was the death of my grandmother on January 5th, Valentina Antoinette (Pannoni) McGrail.  The most loving, caring, kind, compassionate person that I have ever known.  She lived a long life, she was 96.

So just in case you missed it, I lost the baby in October, lost a friend in December and lost my Grandmother in January.  On top of it Phil is doing his interferon and while  I love him, it is a difficult process to go through, as it is having an effect on his mood.  Lots of stress in the Dunn home, trying to adjust to the ups and downs, both of us.  In addition to all of this our puppy, while cute and cuddly, continues to pee in the house.

My new thing is asking myself, what would Valentina do?  The reason for this is because my faith had been waning and with the passing of my grandmother all of the signs that a higher power is working in my life were present.  She is with me and I know this now.  That whole come to believe thing well it has finally happened for me.I believe, I really do believe.

During the last conversation I had with my grandmother, where she was actually able to talk, because the day she died I did the talking and she the listening, she asked me when Phil & I would be trying for a baby again.  I let her know in March or April we would try again.  And that is exactly what we are going to do.  Although I have fears of not being a good enough mother, or afraid that it won’t work and I will be led down the disappointment road again, I ask myself what would Valentina do? And what I come up with is she wouldn’t give up.  She never gave up.  Even in her darkest hour she never shed a tear, she never complained and she always asked how everyone else was.  She was so selfless.  That is the type of person I want to be.

Today I am heading back to Weight Watchers to find out my fate.  I am sure that I will be a paying customer again.  A friend of mine says that we “eat our feelings”.  Well I am not willing to keep eating, so I have to get on that scale and face my reality because that is what Valentina would do!

~ Jessica (restart)

i + i = Agony

Agony is the only word that comes to mind the past two days. Think about the worst period cramps you have ever had then add 10. That’s what I have been feeling. Takes my breath away. Let’s rewind for a moment. On Tuesday I had my mother flushed my pain medication. It was beginning to mess with my mind. I started thinking I needed it and obsessing over it. With my history and some discussion with my network it was decided that I should get rid of it. I’ve come way to far to go back. So back to today. I really really could have used that medication. I spoke with my nurse Debbie at around 11:00 am to discuss this big clump of what I can only guess was my uterine lining that fell out while I was in the shower. She confirmed that is what it probably was. This occurred 2 other times throughout the day. As I laid I the couch debilitated I picked up the phone again at 3:00 pm. I again spoke with Debbie explaining the pain that I was in for the past day and a half. She said “you never mentioned that to me before”. She placed me on hold and came back. I need to arrive at 9:00am for a check up with my doctor. First I need to get blood work in the first floor not second like usual. Hummm? So just for safety I will not eat or drink anything. I pray that nothing is wrong but just in case I don’t want to wait 8 hours to have anesthesia like I did last week. So when 9:00am hits pleas say a prayer for me. Tomorrow is the day that Phil starts his interferon and I am supposed to be going home to take care of him this weekend. I need my health.

Jessica (cramping)

i + i = Panic of the pen

Tonight is usually our date night but I have just returned from an evening with one of my dearest loves Wendita, and an old friend I haven’t seen in nearly 5 years, Holly Mama.  I call the 2 of them together my minis!

We have a date night because our lives are busy.  As I mentioned in an earlier post so having a night to ourselves is a rarity.  We are recovering addicts, who choose every day to stay in the process of recovery.  Part of that is an everlasting assortment of meetings  in a fellowship that I shall not name.  Work, eat, sleep, meetings, commitments, fun of course, and a life beyond our wildest dreams…combined with making time for sponsees and real friendships.   Then of course life happens.  We cannot conceive in the normal way nature intended, I like to thank Phil for that but in reality I have only been pregnant once that I know of and I haven’t always been the most careful person on the planet.  I was in a committed relationship with the same person for 8 years and never got pregnant. So we by the advice of our Fertility Specialist, are moving forward with this IVF.  IVF is the best choices for us as my husband is positive for Hepatitis C and I am not.  More on this later…

So we, well Phil is about to inject our first shot of Follistim.  There are 3 body parts that you can choose from; stomach, arm or thigh and these make up the Subcutaneous Injection site. Its a good thing that one of us has some practice in this department.  We go to our fertility doctors website and watch the video a few times and prepare the injectable pen, it is a good thing they start with the easy one.  But as we are about to thrust that needle into my stomach I begin to feel the panic set in.  I am terrified what is it going to feel like, will it hurt, with the medication hurt? Panic of the pen is setting in.   Tears begin to well up in my eyes, and I begin to laugh, for some reason I do this when I am nervous.  Phil reassures me that it is going painless.  I say something like “I have to do this, I have no choice” because really I don’t.  I want a child or maybe 2 and this is the only way to make it remotely an option.  Our dog can tell that something is going on, he begins to want to come save me, he is a mama’s boy.  So after some back and forth and communication, WOW communication, we are able to move forward.  I take a deep breath and Phil grabs a chunk of my stomach and well… I felt nothing.  It didn’t hurt at all.  Really??  I find it fascinating how in your head you create this monstrosity. The psychological will of the brain is baffling.  Only 4 more nights of this and then on to the next medication.  As I sit here typing this out I begin to feel some side effects.  My lower back is beginning to ache and I’m thinking maybe tomorrow I should just get right to sleep so I don’t have to feel the side effects.  My dog is waiting for me to pack up and head to bed so I guess I should.  My last thought before I hit the pillow is that all day I have been thinking about how insignificant I am in the scheme of this great universe and how it isn’t about me getting my way.  Whatever shall be shall be, we will see.

Jessica (breathing)

i + i = First appointment

So here I go to my first appointment.  Down the hall to the room.  Why is it always cold in those rooms.  I should have brought socks.  Waiting for a doctor, well I am sure everyone knows how that goes.  15 minutes later sitting have dressed on a table.  Everything looks good, both ovaries are ready to go.  She says they look healthy, no cysts.   Thank heavens she was friendly.  I had never met her before, can’t recall her name.  I have a feeling I will be meeting a number of different faces through this journey.

Now on to the next room.  It’s like you are a piece of meat, just a number to them I suppose.  Now I meet with the nurse.  More paperwork.  I was just informed that I can start my Follistim at 225 units.  Phil, my husband, and I have decided that we will be doing these shots at 10 PM.  It is the only time that we actually see each other consistently.  We live busy lives.  And then more questions, have I ever miscarried?  Yes I have, once that I know of, November 2009, day before Thanksgiving.  Was probably a blessing in disguise…more on this later.

Now to the receptionist for payment, and next appointments.  I have to get more blood work on Sunday, and then blood and ultrasound on Tuesday.  It is going to be a challenging month!  And then blood work.  Tasha was my phlebotomist name, she was very polite but a little rough.  I am bruising up already.

As I headed to the elevator I started to tear up.  Why?  I really don’t know.  Maybe it is because I know that the last 6 months, of waiting for this day to come has finally arrived.  6 months of planning. Planning around our wedding, a busines trip, and vacation.  Planning around Phil’s impedning Intereron Treatment.  Planning that I won’t deliver prior to have short term disability in place for 10 months so I can actually get paid.  Planning a change in health insurance right in the middle of this already stressful process.  It all came to me in that moment.  All that planning and now I have HOPE.  Hope that it will work the first time.  Sending out positive energy to the Universe!  Because if it doesn’t, welll…more on that later.

And now I arrived at work, and need to head home at lunch (25 minutes there and 25 minutes back = just about an hours time) to let out my dog who is being dragged through the stress that we are.  We live 45 minutes away from the fertility clinic, so he is being left alone longer than usual.  Poor Sharow, he probably has to use the woods.

First shot tonight!  I let you know how it goes.

~ Jessica (wishing)

i + i = The journey begins

This morning came quickly. It felt like I didn’t sleep very much but yet I was wide awake ready to start probably the second most frightening thing in my adult life. I’ll get to the first thing at another time. I had my usual coffee, delivery by my husband & a happy greeting from our dog.
As I set out in my car I realized that I’m driving to do something that morally I once thought wasn’t right. I decided I should put on some meditative music on my pandora. I choose Deepak Chopra radio. I need to relax. I don’t need to be thinking about morals right now. I pull one of my Angel cards. The word is LIGHT, which I find to be no coincidence as the song that is playing is repeating nam myoho renge kyo. I look around its dusk and life and light are beginning to come across the trees as the morning fog escapes the mountains. What a beautiful display of of our universe.
As I drive I think will I be a good mother. Will my child become the person I once was. Will this In Vitro Fertilization thing work. And again I pause and breath. This is not how I should be starting off this journey. I call my husband. He doesn’t answer. I begin to feel my anxiety. He texts me this “I love you boo, good luck at the doctors. I’m there with you in spirit.” he texts again “Sorry boo, alot of problems left over from yesterday.” I pull into the clinic parking lot thinking where is he when I need him and my phone rings. It’s him. He says “sorry boo, nothing is as important as you are.”
I arrive early as I have to try and get an ultrasound & blood work. They call this the baseline. Don’t understand what that is yet but we will see. There is a lot to learn.
I’m sitting here now and so far there are 6 women all at different places on this journey. This is comforting because I know that I am not alone in this strange new unnatural not how nature intended it to be baby making journey.
~ Jessica (hoping)