i + i = faith

It has been a while since I have put my fingers to the keys.  I have had life coming at my left and right.  It’s life on life’s terms, not on Jessica’s terms.  Since I last wrote I lost a friend, he passed away at home.  He wasn’t just a friend he was my hairstylist.  I know in my last post I put that I hated my hair but the truth was that I actually began to love it.  He was a talented and gifted person, and he lost his life too soon.  Nobody really knows the reason, but my assumption is that it was related to the disease of addiction in some way.  And the most tragic but not tragic was the death of my grandmother on January 5th, Valentina Antoinette (Pannoni) McGrail.  The most loving, caring, kind, compassionate person that I have ever known.  She lived a long life, she was 96.

So just in case you missed it, I lost the baby in October, lost a friend in December and lost my Grandmother in January.  On top of it Phil is doing his interferon and while  I love him, it is a difficult process to go through, as it is having an effect on his mood.  Lots of stress in the Dunn home, trying to adjust to the ups and downs, both of us.  In addition to all of this our puppy, while cute and cuddly, continues to pee in the house.

My new thing is asking myself, what would Valentina do?  The reason for this is because my faith had been waning and with the passing of my grandmother all of the signs that a higher power is working in my life were present.  She is with me and I know this now.  That whole come to believe thing well it has finally happened for me.I believe, I really do believe.

During the last conversation I had with my grandmother, where she was actually able to talk, because the day she died I did the talking and she the listening, she asked me when Phil & I would be trying for a baby again.  I let her know in March or April we would try again.  And that is exactly what we are going to do.  Although I have fears of not being a good enough mother, or afraid that it won’t work and I will be led down the disappointment road again, I ask myself what would Valentina do? And what I come up with is she wouldn’t give up.  She never gave up.  Even in her darkest hour she never shed a tear, she never complained and she always asked how everyone else was.  She was so selfless.  That is the type of person I want to be.

Today I am heading back to Weight Watchers to find out my fate.  I am sure that I will be a paying customer again.  A friend of mine says that we “eat our feelings”.  Well I am not willing to keep eating, so I have to get on that scale and face my reality because that is what Valentina would do!

~ Jessica (restart)

i + i = powerlessness

Powerless defined, by wordhippo.com, without ability, influence, or power. Well I have a lot of that going on in my life. It is the basis on which I try to live my life, but as a human being it is really difficult.

Today started off life every other day, Phil brining me my thyroid medication, as I have a slow thyroid; hypothyroidism. I have take this medication a half an hour before I eat, so he being the most wonderful man in the universe, brings me my pill and a glass of water at 5:00 AM, so that when I get up I can eat. I went back to bed with my alarm going off at 6:00 AM. I wanted to get up to exercise but this cycle of Follistim is making it difficult to get out of bed. I am tired. I hit snooze and the next thing I knew it was 6:45. I dragged myself out of bed, got ready, turned on the Today Show, made my 1 cup of coffee (this is also a problem), ate, packed my lunch, played with the dog, and left for work.

Being powerless was not part of my day. I got caught up in the fact that most women gain weight, an average of 10 pounds, during IVF. This is not sitting well with me. Ok, ok…blah blah, I know I am going to gain weight when I get pregnant but thinking about gaining weight before I actually get a positive pregnancy test is freaking me out. I just lost close to 40 pounds and I have a thing with being fat. I have been on every diet you can think of. Go ahead name one! Come on try it? Yup did it…flip flopped since I was a teen. I can see that my boobs and belly are getting bigger and it has only been 5 days. This is the price I have to pay to get a bambino? Yes it is. It frightens me to the core. I am however powerless over what the drugs will do but I am not powerless over my actions. As soon as I got home I put on my sneakers and walked. Walking is going to be my new best friend. My husband is so amazing. Have I said that already? He says to me “honey you at least have a program (weight watchers) I bet some women don’t have that”. He is right. I am healthy, conscience of what I eat and I already do exercise. My goal weight was 145, I am at 139 and I can gain 5 pounds over my goal weight without losing my Life Time Membership (LFT) status. See because if I keep LFT then when I give birth I have 3 months to lose the weight with out having to pay. I am getting way ahead of myself so let’s back it up.

So as I was sitting tonight listening to a great message with friends sharing and I realized Powerlessness is action. I have to do something about it. I have to accept it, turn it over, and really let go. I have to stay in this day. In this moment in time. I can’t speculate weight gain. The universe has a plan for me. What that is I don’t know. Faith, friends, and fertility drugs will see me through!

Tonight we will shoot my right arm with 300 units. Tomorrow I will go get blood work, and an ultrasound to see what is going on inside my body. Hopefully everything is progressing the way it should. I have a few questions I need to ask. What level are we aiming for with estrogen? What should we be doing about Phil’s swimmers? I mean can he eliminate the old ones a few times before the big day? And when should be the last pleasurable moment? I believe it should be 4 days prior but not more than 3. I can’t remember. This is an important thing. We need to make sure we have enough and that they are the best swimmers they can be. Also, I have a question about the birth defects as well. I am doing ICSI. This process take one sperm, and one egg. The video I watched on this during our orientation made me nervous. A needle puncturing an egg. Poor thing starting off its life with torture! Ouch. See for yourself check out this youtube video >;click>; ICSI. Again powerless. IVF with ICSI is what the doctor suggested due to Phil’s Hep C. With the IVF the sperm get washed so the risk of blood contact is reduced. So healthy baby is what we are aiming for.

Well off to get my shot. Wish me luck.

Jessica (surrendered)