i + i = faith

It has been a while since I have put my fingers to the keys.  I have had life coming at my left and right.  It’s life on life’s terms, not on Jessica’s terms.  Since I last wrote I lost a friend, he passed away at home.  He wasn’t just a friend he was my hairstylist.  I know in my last post I put that I hated my hair but the truth was that I actually began to love it.  He was a talented and gifted person, and he lost his life too soon.  Nobody really knows the reason, but my assumption is that it was related to the disease of addiction in some way.  And the most tragic but not tragic was the death of my grandmother on January 5th, Valentina Antoinette (Pannoni) McGrail.  The most loving, caring, kind, compassionate person that I have ever known.  She lived a long life, she was 96.

So just in case you missed it, I lost the baby in October, lost a friend in December and lost my Grandmother in January.  On top of it Phil is doing his interferon and while  I love him, it is a difficult process to go through, as it is having an effect on his mood.  Lots of stress in the Dunn home, trying to adjust to the ups and downs, both of us.  In addition to all of this our puppy, while cute and cuddly, continues to pee in the house.

My new thing is asking myself, what would Valentina do?  The reason for this is because my faith had been waning and with the passing of my grandmother all of the signs that a higher power is working in my life were present.  She is with me and I know this now.  That whole come to believe thing well it has finally happened for me.I believe, I really do believe.

During the last conversation I had with my grandmother, where she was actually able to talk, because the day she died I did the talking and she the listening, she asked me when Phil & I would be trying for a baby again.  I let her know in March or April we would try again.  And that is exactly what we are going to do.  Although I have fears of not being a good enough mother, or afraid that it won’t work and I will be led down the disappointment road again, I ask myself what would Valentina do? And what I come up with is she wouldn’t give up.  She never gave up.  Even in her darkest hour she never shed a tear, she never complained and she always asked how everyone else was.  She was so selfless.  That is the type of person I want to be.

Today I am heading back to Weight Watchers to find out my fate.  I am sure that I will be a paying customer again.  A friend of mine says that we “eat our feelings”.  Well I am not willing to keep eating, so I have to get on that scale and face my reality because that is what Valentina would do!

~ Jessica (restart)

i + i = tolerance

Tolerance.  What a great word.  Tolerance is not something I had anything of the last few weeks.  Finally, starting this past Saturday, I had the ability to finally be tolerant once again.  Tolerant of others, tolerant of self.  Those hormones, coupled with the fact I lost a my second child did a number on my ability to be sane.  Thank the universe that I am able to recognize my defects today and that I am willing to get my hand up and share where I am at.  Doing the work to get out of self-centeredness is much easier today then it was when I had no sense of who I was as a person.  And the tolerance came just in time too!

Phil started his treatment and it is a blessing and a miracle that things are going well.  His side effects from the interferon and ribavirin have been minimal.  It is a good thing that he and I got into shape and lost a ton of weight over the past year and a half.  I definitely thing that us being healthy as contributed to our ability to physically move through the IVF & IVN treatments fairly smoothly.  I am hopeful that the remainder of his treatment will go well.

My stitches, though on the inside, have worked their way out to the surface and I had to go into see the doctor yesterday.  One of them was oozing puss.  He said that they were fine, just a little irritated. He pulled the one stitch out and cut it off and it actually feels much better today.    I asked if I can start exercising and he gave me the green light!  I am so excited for this.

Lastly, I have been so over the top with my sweet tooth lately.  I see what I am doing and I am doing it anyway.  The first step in changing is knowing.  So now that I know I can do something about it.  I went to weight watchers and got on the scale and couldn’t believe that I only gained 4 pounds.  It has to be my nerves, combined with my hormones.  The women at weight watchers are amazing.  They were so upset for me and the loss I have suffered.  It helps to know that support is all around you if you just allow others to know where you are at.

I am grateful today that I have moved through one of the worst experiences in my life so far.  Now that I am healing I can look to the future with hope.

~ Jessica (alive)