i + i = beginnings

It’s been months since I’ve written. I was in a dark, confused, bleak, and lifeless place. You know sometimes when you can’t feel and if you do it’s nothing but negative emotion driving more negative emotion. The place between nothing and existing. I just didn’t care. I just didn’t know what I was doing, what I stood for anymore or even who I was.
When you lose something that has a heartbeat that you never even met or lose a soulmate; I believe my grandmother and I were connect far beyond blood. Our spirits were intertwined. I keep hearing her say to me in her lifeless, breathless conversation on the day before she left her physical body “are you going to try again, I hope you try again”. She was the mother of all mothers. She bore 8 children. How she ever became the most spiritual, calm, loving, non-judge mental human being in the planet is a mystery.
She was born into a strict Italian family. Her mother a raging alcoholic, her father intwined in the mafia. I don’t think my grandfather was into anything major but I do know he had to flee NYC and not return out if fear he would be killed. My grandmother was treated like a slave in her own home. Relatives in Italy and her neighbors didn’t even know she existed. Her mother was controlling, abusive and wicked. During the Great Depression my grandmother worked job the factories through an illness that she in her later life found out was actually tuberculosis. Every penny she made her mother took from her. Which is ironic because my gran other sacrificed her entire life to give to so many. I could write about her forever. The selflessness is endless.
She always had a dream of winning the lottery and the night before she died, as my mother helped her frail, week body to the bathroom, she muttered” I wish I could remember where I put the numbers” my mother realizing what she had said consoled her and said “don’t worry mom. I have the numbers.
You see I want to be as amazing as my grandmother and mother are when I’m a mother. I am fearful that I won’t be. That ill turn out damaging my child beyond repair. I’m also fearful that I won’t carry another child to term or that this last chance at IVF won’t work. The thoughts can paralyze me to the point At times I’m not even sure what I want.
In this moment I am moving forward with preparing for another round of IVF. I met with a naturopathic doctor and will be starting a metabolic detox tomorrow and in 2 weeks will start acupuncture to increase our success rate at conceiving a healthy baby or 2.
From all my drug use and the toxins of our environment I believe this detox is essential to giving us the best chance. I want to feel healthy as well as be healthy. It is the combination of the mind, body and spirit that will get me through this IVF cycle.

~ Jessica (cleansing)

i + i = don’t know

As time keeps passing since I lost the baby, I just don’t know if it is exactly what I want in my life.  I fall back on the idea of “who am I” and what makes me think that playing with nature is going to bring a positive outcome.   From what I have read the birth defect rates in children that are conceived through IVF are greater.  Those changes are already greater just because of my ever growing age.  Since our first cycle, my emotional health has suffered tremendously.  I have not been the same mentally.  I am a complete crazed lunatic if you asked me, and I am sure if you asked my husband.  Part of my is thankful that I am not pregnant right now, as the stress created about several situations in my life would not be good for the babies health.  I guess everything happens for a reason. 

~Jessica (lost)

i + i = restored

Since my grandmothers passing I feel my faith has been restored. I was always the one who had no hope, no belief in anything. I always went through life having no certain direction or belief. My belief was nonexistent. It’s easy to be hopeless. Just ignoring the ever present signs that there is more to the universe than “I”. I heard someone say once that “I did not happen to the world, the world happened to me”. That holds true today. See when my grandmother passed for a moment I thought how could this happen to me??! How come I wasn’t there but my sister was?!! I was angry. But then something happened I realized in one moment that its not about me. It is much larger than me. It’s about my mother and father who took care of her for 30 years, it’s about her 8 children, 13 grandchildren and 23 great grandchildren alike. It’s about her friendships and its about get legacy. I have asked myself everyday since she left this earth and entered into the universe as a life energy to protect and guide “what would Valentina do?” And the answer is simple she would love, see beauty bin every creature, she would be kind and patient. She would be all of those spiritual principles that I strive to be on a daily basis.

Ill share with you who she was to me and my family… Her eulogy.

O what a beautiful morning, o what a beautiful day to celebrate the life of a one of a kind woman; Throughout her lifetime she was known as many things, a daughter, sister, wife, cousin, mother, aunt, niece, friend, grandmother and so much more. Anyone who met my grandmother knew that she was something special. To me she was beautiful, the kind of beauty that radiated from the inside out. Just as most of you, I enjoyed sitting with her and listening to her tell stories about her legacy. So, for a moment imagine yourself sitting down around the dining room table with her. Her asking you if you are hungry, and even if you aren’t, just to make her happy you grab a cup of coffee or tea, and begin to nibble on something sweet. This is the journey through her amazing life. She was born on January 23, 1916 in Fall River MA. She was one of 5 children, brought up in a home of modest beginnings. I believe that her early life shaped her, and created the unselfish person she became. She began working in factories at the tender age of 14. She made shoes, bullet dyes, and did her part during the war. She made a point to write letters each and every day to her brothers that were serving during World War 2. No matter what she did she always gave her heart and soul. She could stop traffic with her incredible legs, and became a pin up girl so to speak at her job at the Eyelet specialty. She met the love of her life when she went down flint for a dime and stopped into a little pub for a drink. Peter McGrail asked her out to the movies that day. He wooed her from the very start, showering her with gifts of perfume. They went on only one date before he left for the war and when he returned at Christmas 1944 he proposed to her and they were married on February 5, 1945. This is when her life truly began. She had 8 children whom she adored, and treated equally, never playing favorite. She made sure that all of their basic needs were met. She placed their well-being before her own. Even though they had little she never complained. Her home became the hub of the neighborhood. All of her children’s friends couldn’t wait to eat spaghetti dinners, and she accommodated the ever growing crowd. No matter the situation whether it was children falling through the dining room ceiling, attempting to run away, coming through the cinnamon toast line each morning, or covering up disputes between children such as the cashmere sweater incident, her demeanor was always the same, loving, caring, kind and compassionate. No matter the choices you made good and bad she was always supportive. She reassured you in a way that allowed you to make your own decisions and she continued to love you unconditionally and never made you feel like you were a failure. She was a woman of conviction making sure her family was treated respectfully and never felt less than. She had a great understanding that true family was made up of love and not material things. Through her life she had numerous pets and strays that eventually became her pets. She loved all creatures a like. She adored her grandchildren. She always made sure that we were all fed and never hungry. Before school, after school, or taking a dip in her favorite place to be…the pool, we would come inside for some of our favorite treats; silver dollar pancakes with homemade syrup, sauce and bread, and toasted cheese. Her generosity came from her heart, and her words. She taught us all lessons in a way that we could all understand because she did it with love and sincerity. Her lessons will be passed down through the generations. She created the family tradition of Sunday dinner, where we would all gather, eat and play games. Even as our family grew and people moved away, she still remained our matriarch and when she returned she brought us all together time and time again. When you were done eating and getting ready to leave she would always kiss you on the cheek, hug you and tell you that she loved you and to be sure to drive safe. What I will remember most about my grandmother is her smile that could light up a room, her laughter that was contagious, her skin as smooth as silk, her eyes that remained forever childlike and her stories that never ever grew old. We were all blessed to have her as long as we did. During her final days she showed me how strong and courageous she was, she never ever shed a tear. Her only concerns were of others until the end of her
time here on earth. She passed away peacefully just shy of her 97th birthday, at home surrounded by the family that she created. There is no doubt in my mind that she entered through the gates of heaven and returned to the arms of her soul mate and her brood of animals. Tonight and every night for the rest of our lives we can sleep peacefully knowing that we are all still in her ever growing list of prayers, that I am sure without a doubt she is reciting daily. And if we take one thing away from her legacy, let it be that LOVE never fails.
~ I love you grandma and remember you are beautiful!

See this is how I will remember her. Before she died she asked me if phil and i were going to try and have a baby again. She must see in me what I cannot see in myself, that I can be a good mother. She will live on through my mother, through me. This is what I want to teach my child; how to be humble and loving. Just like Valentina.

~ Jessica (transending)

i + i = faith

It has been a while since I have put my fingers to the keys.  I have had life coming at my left and right.  It’s life on life’s terms, not on Jessica’s terms.  Since I last wrote I lost a friend, he passed away at home.  He wasn’t just a friend he was my hairstylist.  I know in my last post I put that I hated my hair but the truth was that I actually began to love it.  He was a talented and gifted person, and he lost his life too soon.  Nobody really knows the reason, but my assumption is that it was related to the disease of addiction in some way.  And the most tragic but not tragic was the death of my grandmother on January 5th, Valentina Antoinette (Pannoni) McGrail.  The most loving, caring, kind, compassionate person that I have ever known.  She lived a long life, she was 96.

So just in case you missed it, I lost the baby in October, lost a friend in December and lost my Grandmother in January.  On top of it Phil is doing his interferon and while  I love him, it is a difficult process to go through, as it is having an effect on his mood.  Lots of stress in the Dunn home, trying to adjust to the ups and downs, both of us.  In addition to all of this our puppy, while cute and cuddly, continues to pee in the house.

My new thing is asking myself, what would Valentina do?  The reason for this is because my faith had been waning and with the passing of my grandmother all of the signs that a higher power is working in my life were present.  She is with me and I know this now.  That whole come to believe thing well it has finally happened for me.I believe, I really do believe.

During the last conversation I had with my grandmother, where she was actually able to talk, because the day she died I did the talking and she the listening, she asked me when Phil & I would be trying for a baby again.  I let her know in March or April we would try again.  And that is exactly what we are going to do.  Although I have fears of not being a good enough mother, or afraid that it won’t work and I will be led down the disappointment road again, I ask myself what would Valentina do? And what I come up with is she wouldn’t give up.  She never gave up.  Even in her darkest hour she never shed a tear, she never complained and she always asked how everyone else was.  She was so selfless.  That is the type of person I want to be.

Today I am heading back to Weight Watchers to find out my fate.  I am sure that I will be a paying customer again.  A friend of mine says that we “eat our feelings”.  Well I am not willing to keep eating, so I have to get on that scale and face my reality because that is what Valentina would do!

~ Jessica (restart)

i + i = 9 weeks

Well I’m into my 9th week of treatment for my Hepatitis “C” and I have received a Christmas Blessing. My blood results have come back and my viral load is currently undetectable. What a gift that I have received. This treatment so far has been up and down. I have experienced some flu like symptoms of body aches and fever, I have had alot of headaches and some nausea in which they gave me medicine for. I have been extremely run down and tired. That has probably been the worst side affect of them all. Overall it has not been to bad. My problem has been to slow down and take some time to relax. I have alot of commitments in my recovery and I still work 10 hours plus each day. It has been taking its toll on me. I did have between Christmas and New Years off and found time to catch up on rest although I also noticed that I felt the side affects more when I wasn’t as active. Overall I am extremely grateful for the opportunity to go through this experience and to hopefully after 13 years of living with this virus be done with it. More will be revealed and it is still too soon to tell. I have to continue my treatment for 4 more months and have check ups for up to a year before knowing whether it is gone or not. I am remaining positive that it will be successful.

~ Phil

i + i = uncomfortable

I am uncomfortable. Uncomfortable with myself. Plain and simple it’s me. I am the problem. It seemed as though life was moving along at a pace that was within my comfort zone and then boom!! Out of nowhere comes disappointment, and unmet expectations. So what do I do with it? I run off and get a hair style & one that is way over the top dramatic. Ok ok everyone likes it but me!! I don’t like it. I am uncomfortable but wait is it really the haircut?? I think not. Lets face it everyday that passes since I lost the baby I have been questioning the purpose of life. Contemplating my life. Thinking of all the could haves and should haves. I feel stuck. It doesn’t help that with our modern technology that we are able to look at other people’s lives and see what they have and where they have been and then compare our lives to theirs and think I wish I had that! So that is why I have deleted Facebook, and TMZ and other apps that make me look at and compare others with myself. Then in addition to the bad haircut since I ended, well actually even while I was in my cycle of IVF, I began breaking out. Adult flippin acne. Really??? Like I haven’t been shoveled enough crap lately now I have a big zit face. I know I’m going on and on complaining but these feelings of inadequacy are making me think I shouldn’t add any children to my life. That would be selfish. Bring a life into the world that isn’t choosing to be here. My negativity is escalated to an all time high and that poor child would be subjected to that unwillingly. Then there is the new puppy. Me and my bright ideas. What a horrible idea that was. It doesn’t matter how long I have been on the straight and narrow my decisions are still absolute crap. That dog is out of control. She pissed on our bed tonight. When will it end. My husband is leaving for a business trip tomorrow morning and the last night we had together consisted if him having a guys night, me going to a meeting, us arguing about the dog, and him curling up in bed to go to sleep, while I clean the dirty comforter. Lovely. I’m not sure how safe I am being alone for three days. I keep praying for help but all I seem to be getting is anything but that. We will see. Bigger miracles have happened. This too shall pass. I hope the universe knows what it’s doing because I’m uncomfortable and walking a thin line.

~Jessica (defective)

i + i = sickness & health

It’s only been 4 months since our wedding and so far our commitment has come to live out the meaning sickness & health, even though we didn’t use that exact phrase as we had a spiritual wedding not a traditional wedding. Our justice of the peace was nothing short of amazing when she wrote our ceremony specifically for us.
She spoke of life’s challenges and each day being new and right now watching Phil go through his treatment is difficult. As I know how tired he is and how difficult it is for him to balance his work with his selfless service to someone in need. So much that he jeopardizes his own well being. I both admire & dislike this quality in him because I can see how hard this treatment is becoming and hope he can slow his life down temporarily.

In the midst of all this chaos his youngest son is failing 3 core high school classes and wants to live with us full time. He’s asked this of us before but nothing came to be. This won’t be an easy conversation with his mother. We will see. I’m completely on board with it if it is what he chooses as he is old enough to decide for himself. I only hope that it will help the situation.

~ Jessica (challenges)

i + i = Week Three

Well I started week 3 and last week didn’t go as well as the week before. On Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and part of Wednesday I felt like I had flu like symptoms. My whole body ached, I had bad headaches and very little energy. The loss of energy comes out of nowhere. It’s like the wind is taken from my sails. I had some sores in my mouth that have gone away.
Week 3 started off good until Sunday at around 12 noon. Lost my energy and started to feel an ache in my ribs and back. Hard to breath. Overall I’m doing good. Some people have related the symptoms they felt as feeling dope sick. I have to tell you….. I would take these side affects over being dope sick any day. I am still very blessed.
Went for blood work on Saturday and have an appt. today for the results. We will see.

~ Phil

i + i = backwards

It’s funny how one moment can turn your world upside down.  It can make you start spinning out of control, throwing you backwards into time.  That’s what happened when I lost this pregnancy.  Life became a question, a series of many questions.  See I placed my faith in getting pregnant, but not just getting pregnant but actually having a child.  Then the carpet was ripped out from under me.

Many, many moons ago I had hoped for a child with my first husband, except we weren’t married yet, we were only dating…for 7 years before we even got married.  Who wouldn’t have wanted a child then.  Anyway my point is this, I have been stuck in the past, reliving the past over and over again.  Thinking about my wrongs, the things that have led to problems in my adult life (child bearing due to bad decisions as a teenager), harm I have caused others, my ex-husband, my abandoned cat, and on and on and on.

My cat was put to sleep this week.  The thing is that this cat was my first pet, this adorable white kitty with a grey patch of fur on his forehead, and a freckle on his nose. who stole my heart 15 years or so ago.  There he was walking around my boyfriend(ex-husband) at the times Halloween party, with his sister that I found a home for also.  that is what I named him, perfect for the holiday.  He cuddled, kept me company, took walks around the neighborhood.  The best, most chill cat.  Even ran the posy of cats in our neighborhood.  They all used to lay in our lawn, what a sight that was looking out the window and seeing like 5 cats basking in the sun. When I left my ex-husband I didn’t take Boo with me. I left him behind in Vermont(where I lived for like 5 months while my ex-husband and I started a business, a record store “In the Moment” – it is still there and he still owns it).  When I left I had not idea where I was going, and I couldn’t bring him with me and I knew that he would be taken care of.  Tore my heart apart, we had been together for 8 years.  Then it stirs up the experience with my ex-husband whom I also spent 8 years with and all the shit that went on during our relationship, which by the way was not a bad one.  It was actually a good relationship minus the fact that I wasn’t in love with him because I didn’t even love myself.

Which leads me to the fact that I am currently making a list of all persons that I have harmed and how.  Yea, fun!  I have been replaying my entire life, and I mean entire.  The damage that I have caused, things I have tried long and hard to shove down deep into my psyche.  Now piece by piece I am looking at each person both directly and indirectly that I hurt in one way or another.  This could take ages.

This whole losing my child was the beginning of my self destruction as well.  I haven’t exercised, I have been wanting nothing more than to eat a bunch of junk and now of course I am feeling sorry for myself.  I keep putting it off, and it isn’t going away it is only getting worse and my clothes are tight.  It is the same old pattern of my life.  It is self hatred at its finest.

I have even been questioning if I would even be a good mother.  That maybe I just shouldn’t be a mom.  I still hate myself, how in the world could I care for another human being?  I am not selfless, I am self centered.  I don’t even want to pick up the phone when it rings.  I haven’t been sincere to anyone who comes in my path.  Again, same behavior, same old defect. I’ve even started to notice that I don’t make friends with people really, that I act like I am and then I disappear because I don’t want people to get close to me.  I don’t want to invest time in them because I am fearful of them leaving.  I am not a genuine friend.  Terrible!

I don’t know.  I recently heard someone asking that age old question, what is the purpose of life?  Hell, I have no idea.  I don’t even know what I want to be when I grow up and I am 37 years old.  Which again I have been thinking a lot about because I am looking at my past!! Why didn’t I go to graduate school, why didn’t I save money, why did I fu@@ up my entire life, blah blah blah.  I don’t even have a hobby.  I thought my purpose would be to some day be a stay at home mother and we can’t even afford for me to do that because I take more money home than my husband (not his fault by the way, he has 2 beautiful teenage boys from a previous marriage and provides half his paycheck to his ex-wife).

I feel like I am in a bad dream and I am moving backwards.  Watching my life in rewind.  I keep praying, the only word that comes out of my mouth is help.  I don’t know what I need, I have no idea what I even want.  And would it matter anyway?  I never get what I want, only what I need.  Dammit I want and I am sick of not getting.

~ Jessica (pause)

i + i = Week Two

Well I started my second injection last night of interferon. I have to say overall I have been blessed. The first few days I started I was experiencing tightness in my face and hot burning as well. I started drinking more water, than the recommended 1/2 your body weight in ounces, which is now about 2/3 of my body weight and the tight skin and burning have disappeared. The only side affects I have now are a daily headache and constipation a couple days after injection. I also noticed that I get a pain in my abdomen, that last night took me breath away, which I believe is gas. Like I started saying in the beginning of this blog, ” I am Blessed!!!”

~ Phil (Grateful)